The Wonderful World of Me

A Little Insomnia

2006-04-23T00:55:00.000-04:00

So what has been happening in Reb Kessel's life of late? A little insomnia. I should be using these wee hours to work on my finals and do a little studying, but mainly I zone out or watch TV or read--I can go through one book in a night, an amazing feat for a slow reader like me. Though I have decided tonight is the last night I can putz around and not be active during these night hours. If I can't concentrate during the day, but I can't sleep at night, then the nighttime is my time.

Pesach was lovely. I was in Oberlin for the first half, in New York for chol hamoed, and in Philly for the end of chag. Overall it was a great holiday. The seders were interesting, the kids were intense, and the house was a zoo. But I loved it all. Philly, as usual, was relaxing and fabulous. I talked to Becky, who was entertaining both my grandmother and mother in Paris, and she was hilarious, or rather her issues dealing with them were hilarious. She is much more patient than I am, that's for sure.

Vacation is over (truly I can't believe two weeks have gone by) and now the last week of school and then finals are upon us. I have been chomping at the bit to get out of here this semester. Sometimes I didn't think I would make it. Now is crunch time, and I have so much to do it's overwhelming. But I will do it, and finish, and in a few weeks I will be away from here for over a year, a break I sorely need at this point.

I will be in CT this summer, working as a hospital chaplain, and I'm really looking forward to that, being useful and doing something for others. It will be me, my bro and my sis all living in the house together, something that hasn't happened in over a decade for that long a period of time. It should be interesting.

And yet again, I'm an omer superstar!

Am I boring?

2006-03-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

So I think I may be boring myself with my entries here. I have tried to write a few times in the past few weeks, and the entries are snoozers. SNOOZERS! Coming from me, you may not believe it, but it's true. Even I can be boring. So I let them alone and hope inspiration will strike, but alas, that hasn't happened yet. And it's not like I have any papers to write which would neccessitate me avoiding writing them by writing here. The elements are against me! There is a tried and true writing technique, to just write no matter what and see where it takes you. How are you enjoying it so far? My mashgiach shift starts in fifteen minutes, so I can write for that long. Can you read for that long? Anywho, nothing so monumental or exciting has been happening. I did have the bird flu for a week, or mabe just a cold, I can't be sure, but it totally floored me and I spent lots of quality time in bed. Classes are going well, not much work to be done after midterms ended, and just biding time until Passover. I learned a great joke this past Friday, but since it's visual I can't tell it to you here, but ask me later to show it to you, if you remember. Note: the joke is totally inappropriate, just the way I like it. And what else? I was taking a mussar class this semester, which just ended and is continuing on, and I need to decide whether to continue on with them or not. I really enjoyed it, but it was also difficult for me, brought up a lot of my weaknesses, which is hard in and of itself, but to bring up those weaknesses in a group forum was a little overwhelming. And since I will be in CT for most of the classes, it will mean commuting, and I need to be honest with myself and think about whether I really care enough to schlep into the city on Sundays to continue. Phrasing it like that just gave me a little insight into what the answer might be. Hmmmm. Thursday is the JTS women's seder, and my mom is coming in to go with me. It should be interesting, and hopefully won't be too...too what I'm not sure, but too something or other. And Sparky is coming into town this week as well, and hopefully we'll get some nice bonding time. Since she's been engaged I haven't really seen her alone, so it'd be nice just to be girly and stupid with her. OK, not quite fifteen minutes, but enough to make me feel like I'm not neglecting you and time enough to grab a cup of joe before my shift. Smooches!

Purim Sameach!

2006-03-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have had a lovely Purim so far. I LOVE not being in school. I'm in Philly, about to take a nap before heading to Teaneck for a seudah with Morris and the Marmors. The megillah reading here was so bizarre...crazy fast and in thick ashkenazis. It was almost impossible to understand. Then party chez Rachel & Morris, which was lovely. I looked crazy cute--I dressed up as the Milky Way, stars and glitter galore, and handed out Milky Way candy bars. Cute, right? I thought so. And I have given my mishloach manot and matanot levyonim, so all I have to do today is drink and eat it up. Fantastic! I love this holiday. It's truly amazing, partying, having a good time, taking care of others and tzedakah all rolled up in one. Mordechai and Esther knew how to make a holiday.

Second Year Slump

2006-03-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

Getting back into the swing of things has been tough for me. First of all, I had one paper due each day last week, which didn't really give me time to ease back in. Plus, I really love being on vacation, being out there in the world, exploring and trying new things. Coming back to my everyday life feels boring and stifling. Plus, my second year anywhere is tough. In my second year of college, I wanted to drop out and studied abroad instead. In my second year at Oberlin I wanted to quit and got a lecture by Der Lehrer about why I should stay. At the end of my second year in Israel I left. So here I am in my second year of rabbinical school and feeling restless. Keeping my mind here and focused is hard, and just recently having that taste of French freedom makes it that much harder.

But I am trying to spice up my life here and make it more interesting, to stave off the antsyness a little bit. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will go to a concert, a play, a musical -- all these plans are still up in the air but in the works. And I am trying to reconnect to folks here that I like but haven't made the effort to see in a while. Though I will only be in the city a few more months (did I tell you I will be in CT this summer doing the CPE program at Norwalk Hospital?), I want to maximize my time here.

And that's all the news I have so far. Life seems blah, not much to report. I'm looking forward to Spring, and hopefully the flowers and the sun will make me, well, springy.

My Whirlwind Tour of Gay Paree

2006-02-27T07:37:00.000-05:00

Sunday: arrive with sefer torah, get picked up by Becky and a group from the Adath Shalom Est synagogue who bring us to the Adath Shalom Ouest synagogue to drop off the torah, a little tekes there then on to the hotel. Walked around, got some dinner, walked around some more, slept.

Monday: meet Becky before class to get her laptop, write a paper for two hours in a cafe while she's in class, then went to see the film "The King"--so creepy. Then walking around the Islands--Ile de la Cite and Ile St. Louis. Then climbing up the Eiffel Tower, dinner and chilling with Becky.

Tuesday: Versailles, then dinner with Becky's host family. They are super.

Wednesday: Notre Dame and the crypt underneath with remains of buildings going back to the Roman period, Berthillon sorbet, Pere Lachaise cemetery (Chopin, Jim Morrison, La Colette, Moliere, Oscar Wilde, and an impromptu tour from a nice little old French man), Hotel des Invalides, Musee D'Orsay, then dinner and "Niagara" at a small arthouse cinema in the Latin Quarter.

Thursday: Picasso Museum (they had a fire alarm and I was standing outside in the snow without my coat for 20 minutes), then a tour of the Jewish Museum with Philippe and Jean-Claude, two of the folks who met us at the airport. Then walking around Montmartre, enjoying the transvestites and sex shops, climbing up to Sacre Coeur, coffee in a student bar, then back to Becky's to continue writing and watch Olympic figure skating with her host family.

Friday: shopping for Shabbat, the Louvre (freaking amazing), making arrangements for Shabbat (all in French, might I add), lunch and then going over to the Adath Shalom Ouest synagogue for services. Dinner at the Rabbis with him, his awesome wife and two kids, president of the shul, his wife and son, German rabbi and her husband, and us. Then Becky and I walking over 3 miles in the rain back to the hotel.

Saturday: sleeping, eating pastries, walking to the Louvre, Tuilleries, Place de la Concorde, Opera, Centre Pompidou, cute markets along the way, then back to the hotel for havdalah, then hanging out at different bars near the Bastille, then nice walk back.

Sunday: left. So sad.

Overall, I had a blast and rocked the French language, if I do say so myself. It was great seeing Becky all Parisian and knowing how happy she is. And I love vacation, just walking around, drinking espresso, being free of responsibilities. Alas, I am back here and working on finishing that paper that I didn't quite complete when I was away. But we'll always have Paris...

à Paris

2006-02-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

This is my last day in Paris, I leave first thing in the morning, and I've had a fabu time. I'll write more when I get back...

Check This Craziness Out

2006-02-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

I am writing the essays for my CPE application for this summer--essentially it means I will be a hospital chaplain during the summer. Check out the essays I have to write, and I quoth:

A reasonably full account of your life
A description of your spiritual growth and development
A description of your vocational history
An account of a "helping incident" in which you were the person who provided help
Your impression of Clinical Pastoral Education

How crazy is that!? So this is the homework I have given myself for the evening. I wanted to finish it before last Shabbat, but this Shabbat will have to do. Shnikes. Who asks questions like that? With no length recommendations? It should be interesting, mes amis. Oh, and my little sister is having a kickass time in Paree. Power to her.

Sadness

2006-01-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

So I am feeling sad right now. It's not a depressive kind of sadness, but a clean, emotional, healthy kind of sadness.

My little sister left yesterday for her semester in Paris, and though I am going to visit her in three weeks, I miss her slready and am sad that she is not here. I am thrilled for her; I just got an e-mail saying she got in safely and is already having a great time. I really am so happy for her and looking forward to seeing her grow and change and come into herself through this amazing experience. I miss her, though.

I have also been spending way too much time and emotional energy on people lately who will not be able to be present with me. It is frustrating, but I am in the process of letting these relationships, or more accurately my expectations, go and there is a sadness in that, in accepting reality and letting my fantasies float away.

Then just an hour ago in class, I was overwhelmed with a particular sadness. My teacher is going through renal failure, as my brother one day will. I was thinking of setting up a meeting between them so that my brother could meet him and learn from his experiences and get some courage for his future. Then I thought about how awkward that would be, but I really want my brother to have some knowledge of what his future could be. And then I realized he doesn't have that because the person who knows and who could help him, my dad, isn't here to give that to him. And it breaks my heart. I try to adapt and give him what I can in place of that paternal figure, but this is something that I can't do for him, and which he needs. These are the times I really miss my dad.

So I am trying to sit in the sadness, to feel it so that I can let it go. A new approach for me, but hopefully better in the long run. And it doesn't feel bad right now, just sad.

Laughter

2006-01-24T22:56:00.000-05:00

So I had this class today, and the teacher is great. What makes him great? His laugh. He has this really hearty laugh, which always makes me smile. The first class he smiled a little, and he seemed OK, but when he laughed, I felt like we bonded somehow.

Why is that? What is the bonding effect of laughter? I for sure feel closer to someone that I've laughed with, or maybe someone that I can laugh with. Smiling is not enough. It's as if laughter is some soul-level communication. A deep internal voice comes out that is irreverent and unprotected and honest and true and almost divine. It's truly magical and has magical effects, not only on ourselves but on others as well.

Just something I was thinking about...

Between Birthdays

2006-01-22T20:18:00.000-05:00

I love the time between my Gregorian birthday (January 14) and my Hebrew birthday (6 Shvat). I feel like both are my birthdays, and the time between kind of is, too. I am more generous with myself than usual, and more introspective, if you can imagine. I'm one week in and with two weeks left, I wonder what this auspicious time will have in store for me.

What sort of Kessel have I become? What sort of Kessel do I want to be? There's this verse from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which I've been thinking about a lot of late: "I look back on where I'm from, Look at the woman I've become, And the strangest things seem suddenly routine." True That! In some respects, I couldn't imagine ten years ago that this is who I would be. On the other hand, I am so bound to my upbringing and I still can't seem to shake it.

Over time I have worked on my faults, tried to improve my strengths, and still I feel my weaknesses shining through. Will I ever be able to be the perfect me? I know I should just relax and enjoy the process, because it's my life, but it feels futile to work towards a goal and know I will never reach it. You may be thinking about a certain quote from Pirkei Avot now, but it's not helpful. Thanks for trying.

So all this kind of stuff floats around in my head, along with my new classes and my options for this summer and next year. Thoughts of the past and future are defining my present, which is a weird space to be in, but I'm trying to make the most of it.

Morning Has Broken

2006-01-18T21:21:00.000-05:00

Classes started up again this week, and though I have not even had all of them yet I am a little wary of this semester. Everything is new, and honestly a little scary. But I am being a big girl and facing it standing tall, or standing as tall as I can with my gravitational challenges. That means I'm short. Why am I so freaking verbose?

Anyway, there hasn't been so much wasing in and tossing myself into the fire, and that's been OK. It's always strange for me seeing people after a break, but three separate individuals said they missed me over break, and truth be told I missed them too. Awwwwwwwwww, ain't that sweet? It was sweet, you cynics!

Things to look forward to this semester? More opera, more movies, maybe learn a thing or two, who knows? Any suggestions?

My Mini-Vacation

2006-01-12T19:21:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in Baltimore with Sparky, eating low-carb wraps and vegetarian liver, and drinking wine like middle aged lesbians. My birthday is coming up a little too soon, and I am feeling old and ugly and useless and blah. Usually I do not feel any of these things, and I am letting myself wallow in them, at least for another couple of days. People in my age group talk about going to their tenth high school reunion, and I can't imagine. I am way not cool enough to go. And that is not fishing for compliments, merely expressing my attitude towards life.

I am in Baltimore now, as I said before, and heading to Philly tomorrow for my boring birthday weekend. Then on to CT for the big post-cruise showdown with my family, then back to a new semester. Good times, good times. I should go and wallow a little more socially. Check ya later, peeps.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2006-01-06T12:52:00.000-05:00

I got back from Israel last night, and am so out of it. I'm awake, but spacy, and I'm not sure how long either state will last. I'm planning an easy Shabbat, giving myself time to relax and rest and get ready to party on Saturday night!

I had a wonderful time in Jerusalem. Lisa's wedding was beautiful (as was she, and he too for that matter), and yet again DLK led a fabu service. I had a blast with the Shalom family, though I think I may have stressed them out a little and made them feel like they needed to be "hosts," when really all I needed was a floor and a pillow (they gave me two!). Visiting folks, and seeing people I didn't plan on, was fantastic, and I'm really looking forward to going back next year. What was particularly interesting to me is that even tough I've been away for a long time, Israel still feels like home. Aww. Isn't that sweet?

Next week I am off to DC and lots of fun at the NIH. It looks like I will be in Philly for my birthday, which will be nice and chill. Part of me really wishes I didn't even take notice of my birthday, but part of me really has crazy expectations of a fantabulous day (which truth be told NEVER comes true). Alas, one day I will grow up and get over the whole thing.

With a new secular year and a new Kessel year coming up, do I have any resolutions? Any goals for myself? No, not really. Thank goodness I'm not too introspective.

Interesting Thought

2005-12-22T00:20:00.000-05:00

So as I am writing this last paper, it occurs to me that at every stage of my life I've had a very close friend who was an Italian gay man. It just struck me as interesting. I wonder what part of me is really an Italian gay man yearning to breathe free.

Stick it to The Man

2005-12-21T14:06:00.000-05:00

Hello, friends. Long time no write. I still have one final left, a paper due tomorrow, which I haven't even started. Baruch Hashem, yom yom. Soon I will be out of finals mode, and into break mode. I leave for Israel next week, and I'm really excited, but I'm a little nervous about the time in between. I am hosting meals on Shabbat, which will be great, and a lot of my favorite people (those who are still around and not with their families) are coming. But there's still this sense of isolation being away from my family during the holidays. I have lots of movies for Christmas day, which I'm sadly really looking forward to. And then vacay!

The transit strike has been intense. For those of you not in Manhattan, all of the public transportation workers went on strike yesterday, which means no buses, no subway, and immense traffic. Though I couldn't get down to the Village for an art exhibit I wanted to go to, and though friends of mine have been really put out by the strike, I am in full support of it. It seems crazy to me that it's illegal for municipal workers to strike and defend their rights. That is their voice, the only power they have to defend themselves against The Man. I'll happily walk anywhere in order ot support these people exercising their right. Good for them! I also don't live in Brooklyn and work in the city, so my communte hasn't been made a nightmare. I hope it is resolved soon, for the benefit of everyone. For the benefit of me, it'll be hard to get to the airport next week if the strike is still on, so hopefully it'll be over by then.

Wishing you all a Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, and Joyous Kwanzaa!

Just Kidding

2005-12-13T06:04:00.000-05:00

So now it's 6 in the morning, and I am rereading this paper after a couple hours of sleep. I want to fix it and don't know how. Whatever. Point is, I wanted to inform you all that my last entry was a big fat lie! My paper was in size 12, it was the footnotes that were in 10. No bonus pages, same sense that I have so much information but somehow not a lot of pages. It's 11, in case you were wondering, totally within range but not as stellar as I had hoped. And if anyone has any questions about the status of Jerusalem in early Islam, feel free to ask.

A Beautiful Moment in the Life of a Student

2005-12-13T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's 1 in the morning. I am writing a final paper for history, and it's not very good. It has to be 10-15 pages. I usually type single spaced until I am done and then double space it, but I can tell how long it will end up being. I was getting really nervous about this one, and though I have so much information and I thought it would be so long, it was barely coming to ten pages. As I was trying to figure out how to lengthen it, I looked up and lo and behold! I am writing in Times New Roman, size 10. As we all know, it's supposed to be 12! Hello bonus couple of pages!

You can't tell me there is no God...

Imagine All the People

2005-12-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

Thursday was John Lennon's 25 jahrzeit, and I went to the candlelight vigil at Strawberry Fields, the piece of Central Park closest to the Dakota, where he was shot. It was amazing! There were hundreds of people, and it was essentially a Beatles sing-a-long. If ever I were to be successful at a sing-a-long, it was this one. People there were really into it. There were little kids sitting on their parents' shoulders, folks with guitars leading the singing from the middle of the mass of people, and truly lots of people on cell phones, which was a little jarring, truth be told. But it was incredible that so many people are still touched by John Lennon. And the public singing was also really touching. We as a culture don't really sing communally anymore, and it was beautiful to see.

On another note, finals are beginning, and I have been writing the same paper for a week. How much is actually on paper? One paragraph. Oh yeah. But that's the plan for tonight, and then there are other tests and papers to prepare for. But my Italian/Israeli adventure is in less than three weeks!

Truth is Overrated

2005-11-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

That's it, really. Truth is totally overrated. JTS is a pshat kind of place, and I am a drash kind of girl. When you are stuck on finding the "truth", the pshat of life, you limit yourself and can't see the beauty of the drash, the remez, and the sod of the world around you.

Family

2005-11-20T20:31:00.000-05:00

As Thanksgiving approaches and I gear up for visiting my family for the first time in a long time, I keep thinking about family. In our home growing up there were two competing attitudes. (I can't remember if I've talked about this before; if so, deal.) My dad once told me that your family is the people who have to love you no matter what. Model one. My mom once told me that we create our own families. Model two. It's interesting that with my father's family, the first applies, and with my mother's family, the second applies. And now my mother is trying to invoke the first model, but can she really do that when she's lived by the other one all along?

So here I am, about to have an intense experience with my given family, and I realize I am not spending this holiday with my chosen family. On one hand that makes me sad, but on the other hand it's nice to have a given family, for what they are worth. To be honest, I have been thinking of late how to sever ties with my given family. It might make my life easier, and remove a certain amount of tension. But is it even possible to do? And what sort of troubles will I create for myself by doing that? I often think that if I can't fix these relationships then I can't move on full-force into adulthood (which is kind of silly for someone my age to say), but maybe there are certain things in our lives that will always remain unresolved.

Interesting Question

2005-11-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

This evening I was at a program for ResLife staff, and the facilitator asked this question:

When did you realize that the world wasn't perfect?

Amazing. What a brilliant question. I have been thinking about it all evening and though I would pass it along to you.

How time flies

2005-11-13T12:40:00.000-05:00

So it's been about two weeks since my last entry. My bad. It's mainly because I haven't been feeling so great and I don't like blogging in that state; it's just kind of a downer. So what has been fantastic in the past two weeks? Thanks for asking! I saw Aida at the Met, and it was amazing! Absoutely fantastic. I could have sat there for another four hours. I am looking forward to seeing Rigoletto next month. I love this opera thing, and it makes me feel cultured. I would love feeling snobby about it if I weren't embarassed when it comes up.

I talked with many folks here, and I think I will be joining the graduate school and getting my master's in Midrash while I am here. The bureaucracy and the fees seem nightmarish to me, so I am going to put it off until my fourth year, when I get back from Israel. It would be a litle easier to do it now, but truly I can't be bothered and I am willing to deal with the consequences of that. But I am really excited about it, and it's nice to feel passionate about classes again.

Thanksgiving is coming up so soon, and I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I haven't seen my extended family in ages, and it will be nice to catch up. However, cruise talk will be abundant, and since I am not going, I don't know how best to handle that. And telling them I will be in Israel at that time, which I'm afraid will seem, yet again, that I am choosing Jewish stuff over them. We'll see how it goes. I was going to invite a non-American friend to join us, but I'm nervous about throwing him into the fray so I opted against. Do I get karma points for considering it, though?

Classwork, work work, they all continue and are going well. Not too much to report. How are y'all doing?

Back to the Grindstone

2005-10-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

I feel like the title of this entry is a mixture of metaphors, but who cares?

Thank you, everyone, for your support while I was feeling spinny. I am doing AOK now. I was trying to enjoy it (that free drunken feeling), but by Sukkot I was really ready for it to be over. And now it is. In time to start my first full week of school since September.

As I mentioned last week, I am pretty nervous. I have a midterm tomorrow, a paper and presentation on Tuesday, and another presentation on Thursday. And since I have the momentum of not doing work, I am have yet to begin on any of them. Shnikes! I was going to do it today, but it's almost 9pm and I'm tired already. All the reading I have to do is for Tuesday, and I could still do it tomorrow night. What that means, though, is that I will not be going down to the Village for the parade, but will be stuck in the library, pissed off that I didn't just read those dumb articles today. Oh, how the procrastination cycle continues.

I had a great time with Morris and Rachel for the end of the chag. It was really nice to be able to host them, and reciprocate just a little of the hospitality they have shown me over the years. I went to a women's minyan for Simchat Torah and was reminded how much I love them. There's such a positive energy in women's davening spaces. Lovely.

Now that Tishrei is almost over, I have to be honest and say I do not feel different or particularly cleansed. But I do feel a little guilty about that, and that's something, right?

Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes

2005-10-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

So I'm not really sure what to write about, but it feels like I haven't written for a hella long time, so I should write something, right? OK, let's talk a little about travel plans. I have decided that since I have access to loans, I must be rich because there is free money sitting, just waiting for me to sign the papers and have it land happily into my checking account. So over New Year's I will be in Israel--woo hoo! And on the way over I will have a day in Rome, a nice little side trip just for me. And at lunch today I decided I was for sure going to visit my sister in Gay Paree in the spring, and my friend Sara will come along for the ride. How nice! Two vacations in one year.

Sukkot in Philly was lovely, I had a really nice time. Rachel and Morris are coming here for the end of the holiday, and I'm glad that I can host them finally as opposed to mooching all the time. I'm already planning the meals...yummmmm meat. Maybe a potato for the veggies. If they're lucky. Mwa ha ha! Oh, the evil carnivore strikes again.

And what else? Same old, same old, really. A little nervous about classes starting up again in a week, but it will be nice to return to some type of routine after only having one class in the past week and a half. And what else? Yeah, exactly.

ps--you get 25 karma points for knowing the reference in the title of this entry

Yom Kippur

2005-10-14T14:24:00.000-04:00

So on the day when we try to transcend our bodies to focus on the Divine, I spent a lot of time focusing on my body. Since Monday I have been really dizzy and nauseous and it's been hard focusing my eyes or walking in a straight line. I finally went to the Columbia Health Center this morning, and the doctor said I have vertigo, probably associated with an inner ear infection. They were concerned, however, because I keep running into things, so they called an ambulance to escort me the TWO BLOCKS to the emergency room to have a neurological exam, where I sat for an hour before leaving (I have another Israeli coming to sleep on my couch, and am hosting Shabbat dinner) without seeing the doctor, just telling him I'd come back if it got worse. But I had to cancel my gig this Shabbat because I won't be able to walk the 35 blocks down there and back. I hope it resolves itself soon (the Columbia doctor said usually a week, but it could be way longer). It's kind of like being drunk without drinking.

Point being, for the first time ever I missed Kol Nidre because I couldn't quite make it out of bed. I also missed most of shacharit, but went at 11am and stayed for the rest of the day. I even taught a class during the break, which was crazy hard, but since I was sitting I don't think anyone noticed. But I couldn't really get into my groove and think about the task at hand, which made me sad. It's like I missed all of Yom Kippur, even though I was there for most of the day.

But the rabbi was fantastic. I don't always respond well to female pulpit rabbis--inherent sexism I guess. But this woman was fantastic, an amazing rabbi, moving and insightful and lovely. I was glad to have that experience.

My Rosh Hashanah, through quotes from The Color Purple by Alice Walker

2005-10-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

Oh, Celie, unbelief is a terrible thing. And so is the hurt we cause others unknowingly. Pray for us, Nettie

All my life I never care what people thought bout nothing I did, I say. But deep in my heart I care about God. What he going to think. And come to find out, he don't think. Just sit up there glorying in being deef, I reckon. But it ain't easy, trying to do without God. Even if you know he ain't there, trying to do without him is a strain.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.

Here's the thing, say Shug. The thing I believe. God is inside you and inside everybody else. You come into the world with God. But only them that search for it inside find it. And sometimes it just manifest itself even if you not looking, or don't know what you looking for.

I believe God is everything, say Shug. Everything that is or ever was or ever will be. And when you can feel that, and be happy to feel that, you've found It.

Listen, God love everything you love--and a mess of stuff you don't. But more than anything else, God love admiration.
You saying God vain? I ast.
Naw, she say. Not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.
What it do when it pissed off? I ast.
Oh, it make something else. People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.
Yeah? I say.
Yeah, she say. It always making little surprises and springing them on us when us least expect.
You mean it want to be loved, just like the bible say.
Yes, Celie, she say. Everything want to be loved.

No Joke

2005-10-02T23:45:00.000-04:00

People have been saying the CRAZIEST things to me today, and I still can't quite get over it so I will share them with you.

After doing my Elul-zman apology to my mom last week withiout her even acknowledging I did so, my mom called me today and said: "I was thinking about what you said, and I want to apologize to you. I want to apologize for not supporting you enough that you feel comfortable coming home for the holidays." Is it an apology? An attack? That's the genius of it. Either way, I spent 20 minutes placating her.

Later on I got a really long voice mail message from a resident, ranting about her ice cream bars being stolen from the communal fridge and how Resident Life should reimburse her $5 for them. I was thinking, who cares about your stupid ice cream? Doesn't matter, because I went to her room and spent 20 minutes placating her.

The coup de grace, the piece de resistance was this evening at coffee with Devo in Times Square. We are sitting and chatting, having a lovely time, when this old woman sitting a couple of tables over stands up and says: "You two ladies should drop dead. Your holiday is coming soon and your God will take care of you. You sneaky fucks, you should go back to Israel." Then she moved to the other side of the coffee shop. I kid you not. I wrote it down in the subway afterwards so I could remember as much of it as possible, and there was more I can't remember. How crazy is that? I was totally weirded out and made Devo leave with me, but I couldn't stop giggling. I've never experienced anything like that before. And Devo was speechless, which I've also never experienced before.

What a day! What a year! Shana Tova!

Shana Tova

2005-09-30T11:29:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling kind of all over the place today, and maybe this is the perfect time to finally write a cheshbon hanefesh. Alexandra was visiting and told me that she takes hers very seriously, reviewing the one she wrote the year before and writing down all her hopes for the future. I'm very nervous about being so clear with myself about my past and present and future. I feel like I live in this careful balance of contradictions and suppositions and I'm not sure what will happen if I really examine everything.

Mainly I'm nervous because I'm having lots of faith questions this year. Do I really believe in an immanent/imminent/eminent God (I'm not sure which of these words fits)? If I don't, then what point do Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur have? If I don't believe in a cosmic reckoning of the past year, what value do the next few weeks have for me? Apologizing to people, taking stock of myself, that I can do. But what do I need this particular time of year for if I try to do this all year round?

The extension of this, which makes me really nervous, is how do I handle mitzvot bein adam l'makom? Bein adam l'chavero I get, it makes sense to me, and even living a halachic life through these mitzvot as opposed to using my own system of ethics makes sense. But why fulfill mitzvot to a God that doesn't care, that can't receive let alone reciprocate? And if no one knows that I'm ignoring these mitzvot does it make any practical difference in the world? (Why does it matter to me whether other people know?) I know people say that they have an effect on us as individuals if we perform these mitzvot, but what if I feel like a faker instead?

It's so interesting to me that I am the one with all of these questions now, when it has always been me that helped others through these issues. My practice has not changed, but it could. And what would that mean for how I understand myself?

Whatever. Shana Tova u'Metuka!

My gigs

2005-09-27T00:37:00.000-04:00

So besides classes, this is what I've been up to. I've gotten a few gigs this year. One was a gig I had last year as well, which is teaching 2nd grade at Temple Sholom in Greenwich on Sunday mornings. The kids are so cute, and this year they are so well behaved. I told them that we were going to the sanctuary, and they lined up and silently walked there single file. It kind of creeped me out. They are just so freaking good. And they love learning. So sweet.

I also am a mashgiach in the kitchen here at JTS. I have the early shift on Tuesdays, and I get to be the Jew who does some of the cooking because otherwise it would be bishul akum. I get to be the Jew who does the mitzvah that allows all yidden to eat there--it feels so good to be able to do that, to help others fulfill mitzvot. And the kitchen staff are lovely and crazy fun. I also was mashgiach this past Shabbat for an outside group coming to JTS--I got fed and paid. It's a lot of fun and I love doing halachic crap.

I just started doing the children's service at Darkhei Noam, the Shira Chadasha on the Upper West Side. It's not really quite working yet. I have no authority; the kids are 8-13, but often littler kids come, and they can leave any time they want. I try to take them from playing with toys and teach them a little Torah, and if I was them and went to day school all week, I would leave my service, too. There are some kinks still to work out, is the point.

Since I will be here on Yom Kippur, I will be doing some teaching in the afternoon. I think I am going to talk about Neilah, try to find some midrashic interpretations of Neilah and talk about how to bring the holiness of the day into the rest of the year. If you happen to be an edumacator and know some good sources for this kind of thing, please pass them along.

Plus my goal of embracing New York. La Boheme this past week was amazing. So lovely, such a beautiful experience, and I had a great time with the friend I went with. When Becky comes to visit, I am going to take her on a tour of national parks in the neighborhood. It should be interesting, hopefully, if not completely random. I've also put the word out that I want to do fun New York stuff, so hopefully others will come up with plans and will invite me.

I hope to write again before Rosh Hashanah, but if not, here's a preemptive Shana Tova!

Limits

2005-09-16T16:55:00.000-04:00

So I am cooking for Shabbat while watching Oprah, and she has on these twins where one has a sex change operation and the other remains as they are. As I am hearing these stories I am profoundly sad for the situation these people find themselves in. They are so uncomfortable in their own body that surgery is the only option.

And I wonder what causes that discomfort. Is it truly that a male soul is born into a female body? Or it is that we construct such rigid categories of experience that if one doesn't fit into one category they must move into another just as restrictive category? Meaning: if we were more fluid with our understandings of gender and sexuality, would people feel the need to change so drastically or would they be able to find peace with where they are?

And then I think about halacha and its job to give us limits. It's why I was attracted to a halchic life in the first place. I felt the need for limits and structure ina world which is too open, too chaotic, with too many possibilities. What would a halachic approach to these folks be? What would a caring halachic approach to these folks be?

In a broader sense, I also feel constricted by social categories which proscribe appropriate behavior. I wonder if everyone does. Or do the categories work because most people are comfortable with them, or at least comfortable enough. Or do we all push at the edges of the categories but agree communally that we need those categories as ideals to keep things together.

I don't know. Something to think about. Shabbat Shalom.

While listening to Barry White...

2005-09-13T22:47:00.000-04:00

Today I went and got tickets for La Boheme at the Met. Unbelievable--I'm so stoked! Becky comes to visit in a few weeks, and she wants to go as well, and Carmen is running when she's here, so this may be a super opera month for me. When I was in Prague, I went to operas and concerts all the time. I love being in New York and having all this culture at my fingertips.

Classes are going along. My talmud class is in Hebrew and is a little tricky, but I'm enjoying it and glad to have the challenge. All but one of my classes is interesting, which I couldn't say last semester. And surprisingly I am meeting a lot of new people. I don't know why I find that surprising, but I figured since I wasn't new that I wouldn't be able to meet folks. It made sense in my head. Anyway, it's been lovely.

My second graders at Temple Sholom are hella-cute, and well behaved which is nice. I think it's going to be a great year with them; we have a curriculum and everything. Tomorrow I have an interview to start a children's service at Darchei Noam. The pay is good, and I think it will be fun and nice to have Shabbat plans.

Being an RD has been alright, too. The opening meeting was short and sweet, with "lchaims" punctuating the different sections of my agenda. FYI--it's great having someone ADD who hates meetings run the meeting. Last year it was two hours. This year? 45 minutes, with drinking and introductions. I am a superstar.

And that's me in a nutshell right now. I hope you are all doing well.

First Day of School!

2005-09-06T22:16:00.000-04:00

It looks like this might be an OK semester after all. The two classes I thought were going to be really boring have interesting professors, which was unexpected but highly appreciated. I still have a bunch more to check out, but I think it might work out OK. I switched chevrutot for gemara (my great chevruta in chumash last year will be my gemara chevruta this year; hopefully it will be better than the other two gemara chevrutot I had last year), which felt good, like a positive step in the right direction. What else happened today? Another Israeli is staying on my couch and we went shopping on 125th Street. So fun--I love my neighborhood. I saw a friend at breakfast from my Hebrew class last year and we had a nice little chat. My recent crush, only about a week in the works, just came out to me this evening, which was not shocking at all but still always makes me a little sad. We will be great friends, and that's nice to know. I haven't had a great gay buddy for a long time. I think we are going to the opera together this month. How fun! I've also decided that I want to try to spice up my life a little bit, and I'm still trying to figure out how. A tap class? When Gary was in town we went to an improv class which was great. I need to find a place to volunteer; I missed doing active service last year. I told Rachel I was going to try to write a book this year. That should also be an interesting project. Tomorrow night is my first residents' meeting. I'm a little nervous, but I've met everyone and I think they all like me. It's also a wine tasting event, and goodness knows I like drinking. I'll let you know how it goes. And if I haven't blogged in a while, or returned e-mails, I'm really sorry. Once this week is over, I will try to return to normal.

A Freaking Fantastic Day

2005-09-02T01:09:00.000-04:00

So after spending the past few days wrestling with my computer after it was attacked by an array of viruses and spyware and all sorts of crap, and though it is still not quite back to normal, today was a wonderful change of pace.

First, I have been going to minyan every morning. Can you imagine? I didn't. But today was the first time I participated in the service with my tefillin on. I was a little self conscious, but it was really fine. I think I'm getting used to them. I was offered an aliyah but I would only take the third, seeing as I am neither a Cohen nor a Levi, and even though they don't follow that here, I still do. It was cool. I was holy and inspiring.

Next, Gary, my roomie from college, was in town, and we had the most fun together. We went for lunch/tea at a cute little tea place I like. Then we caught an outdoor performance of Chinese music, dance and opera. It was fascinating. The MC was this flaming guy with long hair who was doing a dance with swords where he was supposed to be attacking people but he smiled so big and had so much flair--it was really funny. After that we went to a sample class of an improv sketch writing course. It was so fun, I can't even tell you. It was so nice just to see Gary and hang out and to do fun stuff together again.

Then I came home, had a nice chat with this cutie in my building, then went to hang out a little with one of the gals I met from camp. All in all a lovely day. Now I am sitting with a cup of chamomile tea, thinking about the niceness of today, and hoping that tomorrow is just as wonderful. Ahh.

Birthdays

2005-08-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 59 years old. It also happens to be my paternal grandfather's birthday, which I always thought was funny. Poppa George and Dad didn't get along so well, and they still had to share a birthday party.

I haven't really been thinking about it much, but all of a sudden I was sitting here and starting feeling sad. It's been a long time, and on one hand I feel the need to remember and really feel it, because if I don't who will? On the other hand, it's been over 12 years and I should just get on with it already. Neither Josh nor Becky (please note the beauteous grammar) care about these things as much as I do. I call them on the jahrzeits and they don't want to talk about him. I'm not sure I will even call them today. When is enough enough, and how do you know?

I am working with the office of Res Life this year, and have been in training all week to be the head honcho of my dorm. It's been kind of tedious, and long, but it's almost Shabbat, which means it's almost over. I am hosting my first meal of the year for Shabbat lunch, and I am really looking forward to seeing folks again after two months and catching up.

I also got my class schedule today: Biblical Literature and Religion (I don't know what this class is about); Hebrew; Talmud; Jews and Judaism in the Middle Ages (history); Intro to Exegesis (a midrash class, and if I like it I may decide to get my master's in it); and Modern Jewish Thought. Not so bad. I'm missing Rabbi Roth's halacha class because I have not room in my schedule, which kind of bums me out, but maybe I'll go anyway.

Classes don't start until September 6, a freaking long time from now. Orientation lasts forever, and since I really have nothing to do with it, I have to find something else to do. A small mini-project, if you will, to keep me occupied next week. Any suggestions?

Back from the Brink

2005-08-23T14:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not even really sure what a brink is. Hold on...

Main Entry: brink
Pronunciation: 'bri[ng]k
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse brekka slope; akin to Middle Dutch brink grassland
1 : EDGE; especially : the edge at the top of a steep place
2 : a bank especially of a river
3 : the point of onset : VERGE
4 : the threshold of danger

Thanks, www.m-w.com! That was fun.

I am back at school and getting ready for year two. I am really not ready to be back and going to classes. Part of being at camp was the freedom of movement, flexibility, time--all things that will soon be taken from me. I don't want to sit in classes while professors drone on and on about things I couldn't care less about. I want to be free! Oh well, I guess that's part of being a grown up. Harumph.

It is nice to be back in the city, though, and to reconnect with people I haven't spoken to since I left for the woods. I like my life here, and thank goodness I have good and interesting friends. But camp still continues...last night I had an Israeli crash with me before her flight back home, and any second now another one will be arriving to stay for the next week. I wonder how many people that I met in camp will actually be in touch with me, seeing as I don't have a staff directory.

Point is, I'm back. Give me a call, drop me a line, I'm home.

Some Midnight Thoughts

2005-08-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

Another day off, maybe my last for the summer. I have only two weeks left to go, and I think I'm pretty relieved, but I'm not sure. I have met a bunch of interesting (read: crazy) people, and have had lots of fun with some of the kids, and I've learned a lot about myself, so the whole camp experience overall has been worthwhile. It's been nice connecting to my creative side and pretending that I am an artiste, not just being Super Jew all the time.

Everyone keeps saying that camp is the highlight of the Conservative experience, and woe is them if that's the case. The kids don't really care; they go to services because they have to, and the vast majority never even open the siddur. They complain about the classes on Jewish history and Hebrew, and don't understand any of the announcements that are all done in Hebrew. If camp has the same goal as Hillel does, to have Jewish kids hook up with other Jewish kids, then power to them--there's been plenty of hooking up. But I haven't been inspired at camp, and neither has anyone else. At least that I've seen, but hopefully I'm wrong.

On being a little off

2005-07-22T01:36:00.000-04:00

It's currently 1:15 in the morning, and I am waiting for my laundry to finish in the dryer. Though I am very excited about clean clothes, I am crazy tired and feeling a little cranky. The Israelis are hosting a party next door, but here I am like an old lady writing this. I just got interrupted by a friend, and it's nice to see that I am making friends here. Though things here are strange, and I can't tell if it's me or if this is a Jewish version of the Twilight Zone. What do I mean? Well, I'm not sure how to explain it, but interpersonal relationships here are just a little off. Words and things don't mean what they should, and intensity dynamics are strange. Shnikes, that didn't make any sense at all. I'm going to bed.

PS--I am gathering a nice collection of cute camper stories. Ask me about them.

Day Off

2005-07-12T23:35:00.000-04:00

This is my second day off since I've been to camp. I am currently at Jenny's and enjoying spending time with her. Lisa is in town and we are going to have a fabu day tomorrow, and I'm hoping a good night's sleep will get me stoked for it but right now I am totally wiped.

Amazing things I have learned about myself during my days off:
--when I got off the train in the city, I took a deep breath and thought, "Ah, I'm home." I've never thought that about New York before, so it was nice to discover. I've loved just walking around, having coffee, absorbing the vibe.
--I need time off. Each time before I leave camp, I am so drained I am on the verge of tears. After a few hours I am smiling again. I also enjoy pampering myself (pedicure tomorrow!) because I know I will be getting dirty and dealing with non-stop whining when I get back to camp.

OK, two things are good for now. I will keep you all informed as the summer progresses, but it's hard to write when 15 people are all waiting for me to get off the computer. So I apologize for the infrequency, not only of writing but if calling and being in touch in general, but know that I am thinking of you and wishing you were here.

Staff Week

2005-06-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

Staff week at camp is almost over. I keep telling myself that everything will change once the campers arrive. I've had a bunch of down time, which has been great for me, but I have the sinking feeling I should be using this time to prepare. To prepare what, I'm not so sure. I just met my co-counselor, and she seems to be a little difficult, but maybe that's just her jet lag. An interesting note: though we are co-counselors, she's been telling everyone that she is the head. That would make her my boss, which isn't really true. I don't really care about titles, but the first thing I thought was, If she wants to act like she's the boss, I'll treat her that way. Which means: I'll try to pawn as much work off on her as possible since she has decided to make herself ultimately responsible. I wonder what that says about me?

The End is Near

2005-06-22T23:34:00.000-04:00

I am going off to camp on the morning, boys and girls. Let me rephrase that: my mommy is driving me to camp in the morning. And she has reserved time in her schedule to get me "settled in." There is no part of this process that does not make me feel like I'm 10 years old. The same old anxieties about being ridiculously uncool are creeping up, except I have to worry about the counselors now, not just the kids. I haven't finished packing, and I don't want to go. There, I said it. If you want to be super sweet and just a plain good person, you can write to me c/o Camp Ramah in the Berkshires, PO Box 515, Wingdale, NY 12594-0515. I love mail, and I will make sure to reply to anything you send. Think of me, all alone on my bunk, aching for words of kindness and affection, or better yet presents from a good friend. Oooh, you can almost taste the karma points, and Elul ain't so far away. Just a thought to boost your status with the big G, because I care about you.

On being an Omer Superstar

2005-06-12T11:32:00.000-04:00

Third year in a row. That's all I have to say about that.

Hag Shavuot Sameach!

Letters from the Holy Land IV

2005-06-06T00:55:00.000-04:00

My sherut comes in an hour, and I am so sad to be leaving. I've had a lovely time. Nancy, as one can imagine, was a fantabulous hostess. It's been so nice seeing people, catching up, and I'm so jazzed to be coming back in a year. The exciting thing I realized today was that I was also jazzed to be coming back to the States. I hope I can carry this good vibe with me throughout the year.

Tonight is Yom Yerushalayim, and Nancy and I went to a pop concert (I think the band was Ethnix, something like that) at the Sultan's Pool, which I've never done before. It was a lot of fun. At the end were fireworks over the Old City. Gorgeous. What a beautiful end to a spectacular vacation!

Letters from the Holy Land III

2005-06-03T11:37:00.000-04:00

I've been particularly frustrated buying a present for my brother. Every time I have gotten him something from Israel, he hasn't liked it. T shirts, shesh pesh board, kipa, Ahava stuff, whatever--he never uses it. I am conflicted because I feel like getting a gift shows love, but who cares if it's useless to him? I called him asking for ideas, explaining my predicament, and he was of no help. Maybe I won't get him anything, but at least he knows I spent lots of time and though in the search. I also told him I'd give him my dishes when he moves out, so that's something right? Little does he know they are even kosher. Hee hee hee.

Shabbat is on its way, and I'm remembering how much I love Fridays in Jerusalem. I'm about to go buy challah for dinner, and I'll pick up a coffee and breakfast on the way. I might go see Shalom play baseball, which would be fun. But mainly I'm going to enjoy sauntering, because there's no pressure and nowhere I really have to be. Damn I love vacation.

I got to have dinner with Sophie in Tel Aviv yesterday, which was lovely. I hadn't expected to see her at all, so hanging out was a speical bonus. I realized with pretty much everyone that the first reencounter is a little awkward; the second is when we really fall back into the old swing of things. Alas, I've had mainly first remeetings with people on this vacation, but it's very encouraging for when I come back next year.

Also encouraging is that when I leave people and say goodbye, it's mainly "Look, I suck at being in touch." They say, "Me too, but I'm looking forward to getting your call next year when you come back." I think that type of relationship is special, being able to pick up the communication at any point, and things will still be cool, without having to be amazing with long-distance, which I am not.

I really love my people here. And all over again, I am impressed by how much I will miss them.

Letters from the Holy Land II

2005-05-29T12:33:00.000-04:00

Always I am amazed to discover that people read this thing. I can't tell you how many people here commented that they read my blog. Since I never have any comments, I figure once in a while one person read it, maybe. I wonder if really having an audience will make a difference in my entries.

Mini and Deborah's wedding was fantabulous. So sweet. The chuppah was lovely, and DLK did an amazing job as mesader hakiddushin. I actually learned a lot by watching him and seeing how he handled innovations in the ceremony. It was way more educational than my seminar class about weddings, but it did make me nervous that I will have to learn to read the ketubah because odds are, at any wedding I'd perform, no one else would be able to do it. I got to see a bunch of people who I haven't seen in well over a year, and it was nice to catch up and see how people are doing.

On today's agenda: another wedding, a sheva brachot dinner, maybe a little shopping if I can pull myself together in time. I've really enjoyed the lax schedule I've created for myself. Though part of me is antsy and feels I should be constantly visiting and running and doing things, the winning part says, "You're on vacay, Kessel, so relax. Sleep in. Eat some more carbs." I really like that voice.

Letters from the Holy Land

2005-05-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

I arrived in Israel yesterday evening and I've had a lovely time so far, including dinner with Josephine at Cafe Hillel and night seder. Now I am waiting for my suitcase to be delivered, since it was left in Milan for the night. It had its own mini-vacation, which is lovely, but I need my toothbrush and a new outfit bad. I was afraid that everything would be so different, but everything seems the same, as if this is merely a continuation from last May. I wonder how I will react when I am hit by how people and things have actually changed in the past year.

What a week!

2005-05-15T12:26:00.000-04:00

I am really looking forward to this week. So much will be happening. My brother is coming to visit for a couple of days, and then I am moving out of my dorm. Ilene and I are having a siyum on Mishnah Ketubot. I am then going to my brother's graduation from college (b'ezrat Hashem) and encountering my family for the first time since I told them I wasn't going on the cruise. Then I teach my last day of Sunday school and that evening I fly to Israel. So much happening!

This past week was pretty chill, hanging out with Becky and Josh at home, doing a little shopping, renting some movies, not a big deal. I just have some errands to run around town, and then I will be finished with New York, at least for a while. I said goodbye to my chevrutot, whom I will miss tremendously. I've started having dreams about Israel, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, missing the wedding, forgetting about Shabbat, stuff like that. It's funny how a vacation I am so looking forward to is inspiring anxiety in my unconscious.

And, yet again, ladies and gents, I am an OMER SUPERSTAR!

Happy Sank-o di My-o

2005-05-05T17:47:00.000-04:00

I am currently working on my last final, which I am hoping to hand in tomorrow so I can enjoy some time in CT this weekend with my brother and sister without it hanging over my head. Today I had my Hebrew final, 20% of which was vocab, and at least 80% of those words we had never seen before. I don't really care, and I'm not concerned about the grade, it just didn't feel nice to want to do well and not have the tools to do so.

As I'm finishing the semester, I am looking ahead to this summer. I leave for Israel in 17 days, and I start camp in 7 weeks. I've gotten notices about training for camp and training for my position as the Resident Director in Brush Hall next year. Time is just running into itself, flowing faster than I think I would like.

As an aside--someone today told me that I was not cynical because of my youth. "You're young, you'll get cynical in time," I think is what she said. First of all, I've never been told that before. Second, I've never had my cynicism questioned, at least not to my face. And of course, lastly, the second anyone says anything about my youth I immediately have to point out my grey hair, the bags under my eyes, and my laugh lines. Which is not a fun conversation to be having, but this statement just took me by surprise. Me not cynical enough because I'm too young. PLEASE!

So what was I writing about? Oh yeah, the end of the semester, looking forward to this summer. Yadda yadda yadda. I have to get back to writing this paper as opposed to ruminating online. And if I get enough written, I'll let myself watch Charmed later, because embarassingly enough, I have begun to watch this crappy show. Every time I turn it on I think of all the times I made fun of Michal. I'll have to apologize to her before Yom Kippur. Damn.

Unstructured Time

2005-04-28T08:46:00.000-04:00

I should be studying for the three remaining finals I have next week, but they are next week. It's really hard for me to be proactive that far ahead of time. So in this time reserved for studying, I have all this free time. And what have I done with said free time? Nothing. I have laid around, watched TV, read, slept and ate. Which isn't bad, but I'm beginning to feel antsy. Maybe I'll actually finish the things I wanted to when the week started.

Oberlin for the seders was great. I realized how much they are a part of my family, mainly in how we fought and got on each other's nerves. But I don't want to give the impression that we fought all the time, just once in a while. For the most part it was really lovely and relaxing. It did take a while for me to recover after 4 days of intense social activity, but highly worthwhile. I also got a kickass massage while I was there, which I can still feel in my neck and shoulders. I love it!

On a sadder note, my friend's cousin died yesterday morning of cancer at the age of 32. I really want to be there for her, and my first instinct was to hop on a train. But she doesn't need me in that way, and that's OK. She will be going to the funeral tomorrow, and her family will take care of each other. But as a part of my family, I want to take care of her, too. She knows I am here for whatever she might need, and I guess that's all I can do. Hopefully that in and of itself helps.

Hag Kasher v'Sameach!

2005-04-21T23:52:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day of classes. Except for 3 finals after Pesach, I have finished my first year of rabbinical school.

WOO HOO!

I am flying out first thing in the morning to Oberlin, where I will be having the seders, though I should be back in town on Tuesday. I am really looking forward to being out there, relaxing, and being with people who have the same way of practicing as I do.

Have a wonderful and liberating Pesach!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2005-04-17T14:31:00.000-04:00

This is the last week of classes, and since I have lots of tests to prepare for and papers to write, obviously I must update my blog. Lucky you!

I'm so looking forward to going to Oberlin for Passover, but I feel way underprepared for the seders. Usually I do a little research to make sure I have something fantastically brilliant to say, but I've had no time to do that so far. Maybe after the tests, and papers, and cleaning, and packing...somewhere in there.

This week my position as the Drama counselor at Camp Ramah in the Berkshires was settled. Though I never really had positive camping experiences, I'm hoping this summer will change all that. I haven't had the opportunity to do drama stuff in a while, so I love that I'll have that outlet. And worse comes to worst, I will have earned some moolah and finished one of my requirements for graduation. I'll keep you all updated...

I learned a lot about myself this week in one particular regard. After a fantastic evening with my crush on Thursday, we were supposed to spend Shabbat together and he never showed up. And he still hasn't called me. So what did I learn, you might ask, besides that my crush is an asshole? Well, while powdering my nose during dinner on Thursday, I looked into the mirror, and for the first time in my life I thought, "Kessel, you look so fucking hot right now." I am feeling really confident and good about myself these days. The fact that he has fallen off the face of the earth has not changed how great I feel about myself. I am getting stronger by the minute. I haven't even asked myself what I did to turn him into such a tool, because I am so cool that it has to be his issue, not mine. And while I might have said all of this before, while at the same time feeling like a walking turd inside, I really mean it now. It's a good time to be me.

And I've been particularly vulgar lately, and really enjoying it. Cursing up a storm. It's great. And if you don't like it, you can kiss my lily-white... but really there's no need to be gratuitous about it. Cursing can act as effective punctuation, used correctly. I give you all permission to curse it up this week, because not only is it liberating, but it's also fun as hell.

The best day ever

2005-04-07T14:42:00.000-04:00

I just bought my ticket to Oberlin for Pesach--yeah!
I got a GREAT message from my crush, whom I will call soon--yeah!
I got out of taking Hebrew this summer--yeah!
I had an intense conversation with my advisor, telling him I thought he didn't like me and gives me too much static, whereupon he apologized and invited me to lunch because he wants to be friends--yeah!
I applied to work for Camp Ramah for the summer, and was told I shouldn't have any troubles getting a job there--yeah!
Sparky called me; she's in New York for the next couple of days and we are going to hang out tonight--yeah!
There's a party tonight that I was actually invited to and will be attending--yeah!
Mother of pearl, it doesn't get much better than this!

Piecing it all together

2005-04-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

So I've been trying to piece everything together about why I've been feeling so off this week. I was having lots of trouble sleeping, more than usual. I saw someone trip on the sidewalk, and I almost cried. I still haven't written that paper that was due on Tuesday, though I am now caught up in everything else.

Some thoughts about causes...I am tired of being in school, and just can't be bothered doing things that are boring. I got a call from Josh asking advice about finding a job, and I am so worried and nervous for him stepping out finally into the real world, and I am praying with all of my heart that he'll succeed. I have a crush that might actually turn out to be something amazing, and I am so afraid of being in a relationship, of being open and vulnerable, of being rejected and being hurt.

Then, like the dork that I am, it occurs to me that today is my father's 12th jahrzeit, and wouldn't you know the pieces start falling into place. Every year I am surprised that it hits me hard, but every year it does. This year, though, I am not surrounded by people who would take me shopping or out to lunch or would just listen about it. Almost nobody here knows that my father isn't alive, let alone that his jahrzeit is today. Which makes it hard to honor him and to do something today that would be a tribute to him. And Shabbat starts at 6pm, so my timing is limited as well. I will call Josh and Becky, and hopefully that will help some.

I really miss him...

Back to Work

2005-03-28T07:23:00.000-05:00

After a lovely long weekend of Purim festivities in Philadelphia, it is SO hard to come back and do work. I have a paper, a project, an essay, a quiz all due in the next two days and I have no motivation whatsoever to work on any of it. I got up early this morning to work on a paper since goodness knows I couldn't concentrate on it yesterday. Then, alas, I snoozed for an hour, and as I sat down to work on it in the hour I have before Talmud, I decided it'd be a really good idea to update my blog. Am I doomed to be stuck in the same last-minute-panic-must-write-paper mode that got me through college? I was trying to outgrow that, but maybe this is just my process and I need to accept it for what it is. I'll just have to work my tushie off tonight.

I also agreed to do shmira for a couple of hours tonight for a woman before her funeral tomorrow morning. I thought I might be able to get some work done there, but evidently one only reads tehillim. So that's what I'll do. I've never done it before, but they were searching hard for volunteers and I thought it would be an interesting experience. I'll let you know how it goes.

Woo-hoo!

2005-03-23T08:29:00.000-05:00

I just bought my ticket to Israel this summer, and I am stoked!
Yeah, that's it.

On reclaiming

2005-03-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

I have reclaimed my best friend from college. We talked 2-3 times a year for the past couple of years while I was in Israel, but since I've been back I've seen her a few times and we began talking more regularly on the phone. Since I visited my sister in DC and we all went out to dinner, I have been speaking to Sparky every other day, and for the past week it's been for well over an hour every time. It's unbelievable to be able to reconnect with her. We can talk about anything, and she's known me for ten years now. Jesus, do I feel old. She's been with me through so much and my travels all over the place (both geographical and spiritual) and I have been there for her as well. Someone I met in Israel said they would love to have seen me when I was younger, wearing all black and smoking a lot. A lot. Sparky saw that, and more. I'm really treasuring having her in my life.

My fragile ego

2005-03-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

I just left my half hour session with my nusach teacher, and for the first time ever he said I was getting the hang of the service, both weekday and Shabbat morning. He even said it twice about two separate pieces I had prepared! I am beaming right now. This stuff is so hard for me, and doesn't come naturally at all. And after more than two moths of cringing at my singing, he finally said I was coming along. It's amazing how the littlest things can go such a long way.

It's been a while

2005-03-14T13:35:00.000-05:00

Part of the reason I haven't written in a while is because my computer (ie Becky's computer) is not working, so here I am in the library, checking e-mail and thought I'd just let you know what's up. Becky was home on break this week, so we got to hang out, which was fabu. Rachel also visited earlier last week, and it was so nice to get to chat and hang out with her. I skipped a class trip to the mikveh--I just couldn't do it, couldn't deal with them and the mikveh at the same time. Afterwards, a friend invited me to go stam, which I thought was sweet, but I didn't take her up on it. I have been thinking about starting to go to the mikveh regularly, as a way of owning the ritual and not having sex with my husband be the only goal of the entire process. I'll let you know how that proceeds. What else? Yet again my family is upset with me over halachic issues, but what's new about that? And finally, I have decided that since it is March, I am no longer wearing shoes and will flip-flop it from here on out. Which won't last, but maybe no more socks?

I'm so smiling right now

2005-03-02T10:10:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed out lately. I've had a lot of stuff due this week, extra meetings, rearranging of my usual meetings, extraordinary circumstances weighing on my mind. For the third morning in a row I got up at the crack of dawn to do work because by the end of the day I am so exhausted I can't concentrate, but I'm too anxious to sleep...a bit of a vicious circle. So I just decided, 2 minutes ago, that I am skipping my class this morning. Not a big deal, but it just made me feel really good and relaxed. So just imagine me, still in my jammies, sitting on the couch with my book for the next two hours, and know that I'm crazy happy about it.

How many times can I use the word morning? No pun intended.

2005-02-25T11:38:00.000-05:00

So this has been an intense morning. I did my first tahara today with the BJ chevra kadisha. As I was walking to the funeral home with my coffee early this morning, I was overcome with this sense that I was walking to do a mitzvah, and everything I would do this morning was associated with a mitzvah, which was overwhelming and awe-inspiring.

There were 6 other women there, including a rabbi from JTS. It was all very holy and very awesome and very beautiful. I thought I would really just watch, but I actively participated from the beginning. It was incredible. From what I've written so far you can get the sense that words can't quite capture the experience. I am still processing the entire morning.

This was a mitzvah I have been waiting to do since I becamse hayevet l'mitzvot, and I was honored to be able to serve this woman and God in this way.

Becky (and Kate) update

2005-02-23T19:14:00.000-05:00

I spent the long weekend down in DC with Becky, helping her to and from class and doing some chores she couldn't quite manage with her foot. I went to her French class with her, and she had told the teacher I speak French, so the teacher made every single student in the class ask me a question in French which I then had to answer in French. One of the first questions I got was "Do you have babies?" Unbelievable. I got the weirdest questions: what is your favorite food? your favorite color? No one asked where I live or what I do. The teacher finally asked me those questions, which I answered almost completely in Hebrew at first--I had to keep looking at Becky for the words, and I never said "et" only "v". I used to get French, and now it seems to have been pushed out of the way. Too bad it hasn't been completely filled with Hebrew yet.

Becky is doing way better; she now has a special boot she has to wear, and she is bruised and hurty, but she doesn't need the crutches anymore. It was nice to be able to take care of her and assuage some of my anxieties about her being hurt and alone. I was amazed at how immature her friends are and how selfish and unhelpful, but they are only 19 so maybe my expectations are a little too high. Becky seems to like them, so what's my damage really?

As for me, I am academically finally easing into the semester. My work was all over the place if I did it at all, but now I'm getting into a rhythm and taking care of business. I had the best chevruta today with Jen. We did a daf plus of gemara, and I left totally energized and wanting to do more. I haven't had a chevruta like that in a long time, so it was refreshing. Nancy was in town this Shabbat, and I hosted a dinner for her with a bunch of Pardesniks. It was nice to see them all and it was super nice to be able to spend time with Nancy. And that's me in a nutshell.

For your prayers...

2005-02-16T09:04:00.000-05:00

My little sister was hit by a car on Monday. Her foot is broken and she is freaked out, but aside from that she is OK. Please add her name to your prayers for a refuah shlemah -- Rivka Lieba bat Shira Aviva. Thanks.

Reed in the wind...

2005-02-12T18:47:00.000-05:00

This has been a week of begining of transitioning for me, and I'm still trying to figure out if that's good or bad. First off, this semester has not been the easiest and I have let myself get swept away in the frustration and overwhelmingness. So this week I started taking active steps to take care of myself and not let the negativity bring me down, man.

I started trying to reconnect with my fellow students this week. I had lunch with one of my classmates who I only had a chance to talk to between classes and while waiting for our stuff to print out in the computer lab. Though we disagree on lots of stuff, she's a lovely person and I was glad for teh chance to chat. Also, I made other plans for next week with other JTSniks, which is a positive sign of trying to get better acclimated to this environment.

I also had lunch with a rabbi here to talk through some of my questions about Conservative Judaism and halacha. It was interesting, though not heartening, to say the least. It was pretty discouraging actually, but he said something about people being able to graduate from JTS and not know how to read a mishnah. He said we have five years in which to learn to read, and he was amazed that people can graduate and not be able to. I translated that in my head: Hey, quit your bitching, you have FIVE WHOLE YEARS where your main goal is to learn text. How kickass is that! This rabbi also suggested I meet with Joel Roth, but he makes me kind of nervous. But I will e-mail him Monday and see if/when we can meet.

I tried the whole reed in the wind approach to JTS, letting everything that people say pass over me, but after six months this shit is driving me crazy and I have axed the reed in the wind method. Now I find myself actively engaging the tension, and I am just not sure I'll like the outcome. And I wonder if I will be able to go back to being a reed in the wind and ignoring stuff. And even if I can, will that be what's best for me?

Who are these people, and where are they coming from?

2005-02-06T20:03:00.000-05:00

So my problem when I forget to blog more frequently is that I feel the need to be super profound when I actually do write. That's pretty impossible because I mainly write to avoid work, not to share new insights into the world.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship to halacha and Jewish tradition. I knew that being at JTS I would have to live in the tension between my relationship to halacha, the relationship prescribed by the institution, and the relationship actually lived by my classmates. That tension becomes a little too strained for me at times. In my processing class, recently we have done a lot of case studies and tried to answer what we would do as rabbis in that situation. Sometimes my classmates are super strict in a way I don't think is necessary. Most of the time they ignore the halacha altogether.

I still haven't quite figured out where they are coming from. I've tried to ask in class, but no one could answer me. The leader of the group mainly wants us to focus on policy concerns, not halachic concerns. I realized through these exercises that I am answering these questions differently from everyone else, and I think the reason is that I am answering from a liberal orthodox perspective. That way I can be lenient on certain things, but would never dismiss halacha at all. I tend to think about what poskim before have said and how to make everyone happy.

So I find myself asking again why my classmates are choosing to answer the way they do. What is the Conservative relationship to halacha? I truly don't know. I have a meeting later this week with a rabbi whose class on the philosophy of halacha I am really enjoying (not for credit, mind you). He recently graduated from here and I am going to ask him to help me with some of these things. I think in my head I've decided that Conservative Judaism just isn't halachic, which questions my whole time here. I am hoping this rabbi will give me the attitude shift I need.

I am fascinated by how staunchly I feel my commitment to halacha. I think it has partly to do with my davka-ness; since everyone around me could take it or leave it, I must be Super Halachic Woman! I think it's partly because I have sacrificed so much to live a halachic life, and gone through so much shit, that halacha is very serious and has a huge weight and value to me. Maybe that's all the more reason that I get really angry when people treat it lightly. It may also come from the fact that I feel being Jewish is a choice, a conscious daily choice, and hence my relationship feels kind of precarious since I too could just decide to leave it, so I must protect it. But honestly, I can't imagine just stepping out of the halachic life. I wonder what that would look like...

Snow day!

2005-01-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

I was going to write an entry about the amazing snowfall we had this weekend, but then I remembered if I ever started talking about the weather, as seems to be a genetic disease in my family, I vowed to kill myself. So instead I will discuss messes, or in particular, my mess.

I'm in my room and looking around, and there is shit everywhere. Papers, clothes, dishes, boxes, CDs, strewn all over the living room. My sleeping chamber I've managed to keep in some kind of order, because everything is already all over the living room. Most of this mess is left over from finals. A MONTH AGO! Granted, I haven't been around so much since then, but it's been almost a week since I've moved back, and I had a total snow day yesterday, but I didn't manage (or even try really) to get it in order.

Some people are distracted and dismayed by messes, and I may be a closet one of these people. However, I find something deeply comforting about messes. I was always messy as a kid. It was partly functional: the messier my room, the less likely my parents would be to enter it, go through my stuff, and/or bother me. I think there is also something comforting about being able to see all my stuff all at once. It's right there, everything I have is accessible to me. Maybe the mess is an externalization of the internal mess in my head. It's easier to deal with it on the outside as opposed to the inside. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this, but I think there is something psychologically beneficial for me about being messy. It works for me, as Dr. Phil says, or I wouldn't do it. I'm just wondering why it works.

Usually I begin in a new space by keeping things tidy, and often I tidy up for Shabbat. Cleaning proper is something else entirely. But after a while, I put a book here, a sweater there, and before I know it I am choosing clothing to wear from off the couch. I have papers and books in stacks from last semester, but no way or where to put them away, which really just means a field trip to Staples, but who has time for that?

I must stress at this point, as most of you will attest, that though I am personally messy, I am very respectful of communal spaces and of other people's stuff. It's just my stuff and my space I make a mess of. For the most part. If anyone has any thoughts about this topic, please share them. Are you a messy kind of guy or gal? Don't be embarassed! Out yourself! It's an alternative lifestyle, and nothing to be ashamed of. I think. Dammit.

Oh, the humanity!

2005-01-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

So I treated myself yesterday to a midday movie, and went to see Hotel Rwanda. I was wrecked for the rest of the day, and cried off and on for hours. It's so hard to think that only 10 years ago a million people were slaughtered in 100 days and no one did anything. In fact, the entire western world turned their backs and ran away. I was crushed by the humanity of it all. It is human to kill people. It is human to regard some people as non-human. It is human to look after yourself and to ignore the needs of others. And I felt so sad and embarassed to be human. I know this story of a man who was the opposite of all these things is supposed to make me proud to be human, but the fact that this one man is so spectacular that they made a movie about him is sad and troubling.

When I was 16 I called the Red Cross in order to volunteer to go to Rwanda to help the refugees. They asked if I was a doctor or a nurse, what they really needed, and I said no. I told them I was a college student who was fluent in French (after 3 years of high school French I felt pretty fluent, sort of), but they said they wouldn't take me because I wasn't skilled. I was pretty bummed, and then pretty relieved. I had this gut reaction to help, and wanted to be the kind of person who wanted to help, but in reality I didn't want to follow through with that. I wasn't scared of going to Africa, I was petrified of telling my mom that I was going to skip out on my senior year.

As I've grown older, the urge to help, and the urge to be the kind of person who wants to help, has stayed the same. My inaction, alas, has stayed the same, if not grown. In Israel I volunteered, but hardly on the front lines. I haven't really done anything here in New York. There are massive issues in the Sudan at this very moment, and there is not the thought in my head to pack and go help. What does that say about me? Soon enough I will rationalize all of this away, but for right now I am sitting in tension as one of the billions of people who stand by and let evil happen in the world.

Go see this movie, and check out www.hotelrwanda.com

So much to say, or why I should have blogged more regularly during vacation

2005-01-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today is the second day of classes, and it is not going as smoothly as I would have liked. I'm trying to breathe deeply and remember that the beginning of last semester kind of sucked, too, but it got better once I settled in. I haven't even had all of my classes yet, but this sense of doom is looming on the horizon. But really, it will be fine, I just need to take some time and readjust to being back here.

My vacation was great. I got to see a lot of good friends, which was very grounding for me. I could relax and just be myself and be appreciated for that, and it was wonderful. It was also great spending time with my brother and sister, and though we were kind of getting on each other's nerves by the end, I still miss them a bunch, and it's only been a few days.

One of the major things that I did this break was spend 5 days in Washington DC with my brother. He was studied as a past of the Human Genome Project at the National Institute of Health. He has a rare kidney condition he inherited from my father, and evidently only 10 families in the world have the same condition. The doctor in charge, Dr. Kleta, is trying to isolate the gene. He did a lot of testing on Josh and gave him a very clear picture of how he is affected by the condition. I was also tested as a "normal" subject, since Josh and I share at least 50% of the same genetic material but I am not affected. It was intense, and difficult, but very helpful and I think it will really benefit Josh.

And I turned 27 a few days ago. A pretty non-impressive birthday. I just wasn't feeling it this year. I haven't gotten any gifts yet, though I think my sister is sending me something. I do want to thank all of you who remembered (which blew my mind because I can't remember anyone's birthday) and called or sent e-mails. It was very sweet and very appreciated. But I've been telling people I was 27 since this summer, not in a conscious way, it's just what came out when people asked. Officially in my late twenties. Passed the age of my mom when she got married. Maybe it's best not to think about these things.

I have to go to another class in a few minutes, but I will let you all know how it goes. Everything will pick up next week, I can feel it. Gray skies are gonna clear up...

What a freaking fantastic day!

2004-12-23T15:21:00.000-05:00

So I finished my last final and sent it off this morning. Now imagine Beethoven: done-done-done done! done-done-done done! Then I applied to be an RA for next year...we'll see how that goes, but I finished my part. Then I had to go holiday shopping, and I got everything I needed on sale in less than 2 hours! It was incredible. I'm now soaked to the bone because of the rain, but still, all in all it's been a brilliant day. I love getting things done, crossing them off my list. I guess that means I'm a goal oriented person. So be it. It feels hella good to be productive. Very soon I'm off for my mom's house for Christmas. We'll see how that turns out. At least I got Shabbat lunch plans at the rabbi's so I won't be all alone that day. Have a merry Shabbat!

This is the end...

2004-12-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

I am working on my last final. It seesm to be taking forever, since I totally don't want to do it at all. This assignment is a take-home, that's due any time before Shabbat. And the questions are so vague. He told us he just wants to know we learned something from the class. Sheesh! I am way too immature to handle an assignement like this. I need structure, goals, to know what he wants to hear. What is this being presonally resposnsible crap? But once this is done, my semester is done. Someone recently asked me what it was like to have finished a semester of rabbinical school, and I had no idea how to answer. I haven't really had the time to be reflective about it. And once it's actually done I may have more insights. But for right now, I am thinking about how to prove to this guy that I paid attention in class...

Life's little lessons...an ode to alliteration

2004-12-17T13:06:00.000-05:00

So this week has been full of little lessons for me, and thank goodness they progressed in some semblance of order so I could put the pieces together. Point is, I spend a lot of time talking about how I want my life to be, and very little time actually doing anything about it. My first step was, of course, to analyze why I don't do things and talk about them instead, but isn't analyzing really just a fancy way of talking? Why, yes it is! So my goal for the upcoming week, month, year is to take action! Make things happen! Get off my lazy tuchus and go for the gold!

A quick note about smoking...

2004-12-14T02:03:00.000-05:00

It's now 2 in the morning, and I am plugging away at this paper that is dues at 3:40 this afternoon. It just occured to me how much smoking was a part of my paper writing routine, and how much I miss it. I have no idea how I wrote papers for my last year and a half of college after I quit. Actually I do know how I did it; I still took cigarette breaks. I'd go outside on the porch and breathe deeply for 5 minutes then come back in and try again. It feels silly to do that here, but let it be known I would really like a cigarette right now.

Finals

2004-12-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

So after a tantrum that lasted two weeks, over losing an incredibly pertinent and insightful entry, I am back writing this blog o' mine. I can't say that I missed it too much, though I was kind of hoping I would.

We are smack dab in the middle of finals here, friends. It sucks. Seriously. So many papers and exams, so little time. I really wonder if I can make it all happen on the up and up, or if I will have to feign sickness or mental defect to get an extension on something. Who knows.

And sadly enough, that is really all that's happened to me of late. Desk to library, back to desk, class, then library again. The fun never stops. If something interesting happens, I'll let you know.

Thanks for the memories...

2004-11-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving went very well, almost completely painless. I only had to barely mention not coming to Christmas to my aunt on my way out the door, and it was totally fine. I also had a talk with Shimon beforehand who told me that if it weren't for Shabbat I should absolutely go to Christmas because of respect for my mother, my grandmother, and our family. And he's right like usual, and like usual, it pisses me off.

That morning my brother, mom, and her husband were sitting and talking and it came up how tight-lipped my mom is about everything, especially her past and her childhood. She said she never told us anything about it because we never asked, which really frustrated me because it gets back into the children raising themselves issues I have with her--because we didn't take the lead (which children usually don't do) we miss out on learning about our family and our history. But she sat and spoke with us for an hour about that stuff, and it was great.

At the meal I was talking with my aunt about my dad. I brought up the article to her, and she was interested in seeing it (I, of course, left it at home). I said that it was interesting to me to learn new things about my dad. She said that there's all this stuff she knows and she figures everyone knows it, which isn't true. She talked about him some, and then I brought up the fact that there's all this mystery about his death. I told her what I thought happened, and she said that something else happened, whereupon my mom chimes in and said she thought something else happened. The heart attack was clear to most of us, but we all had different theories about what caused it. She showed me his death certificate, which I had never seen before, and said she would sent me a copy of the autopsy when she finds it. Now this may sound very morbid, but there has been this fog around the whole issue. Getting to the bottom of it and having some clarity will make me feel way better.

There was comfort in the myth about my father dying, and choosing to remember things as I remember them without necessarily checking the facts with the outside world. But now I feel the need to know the truth, and I wonder what that means for my development as an adult and what changes there will be once the truth is known.

How much do I love show tunes?

2004-11-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

My sister has total crush on Gael Garcia Bernal, and I have to say, I finally concur with her. I saw Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education tonight, continuing my streak of seeing EVERY film he ever made, unless it was a student film and totally dinky. And this Gael guy is beautiful, though even more beautiful as a drag queen. And what I realized when I saw this film is that I really miss being a part of a queer culture.

I was THE hag in high school and college, and at Oberlin? Don't get me started. I was always surrounded with LGBTQ folks, and I loved them. Then I went to Israel and came here and I have traded one subculture for another. And I miss it. JTS is so homophobic and refuses to admit LGBTQ (read: out) students, so no one here is out and proud.

Oh the memories, preparing queens for drag shows in Baltimore, running LGBTJew meetings at Oberlin, helping my best friend come out in high school. It was fun, tough sometimes, but LGBTQ kids know how to laugh and enjoy themselves. Life is too short not to. So how do I get back into that queer culture, or how do I recreate that sense of fun and ease that I felt in that culture?

Dude!

2004-11-22T20:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes that's all I can say...Dude! I taught my rabbinical seminar class on autopsies and aninut today, and it was a bummer. And it was a lot of work, so now I am completely fatigued. Only a couple of days until Thanksgiving, thank goodness.

I informed my grandmother that I will not be attending the family gathering on December 25. She was not pleased. She said something to the effect of, "well, you will just need to choose your priorities, your family or ..." To which I responded, "yeah, I've already chosen, and I'm not going." My grandmother, after a while, came around but still she's not supportive. And she's the best one of the bunch. Thanksgiving will not be fun, having to tell everyone and justify myself.

The hard part is, I don't know how to react to the "your religion is more important to you than I am" plea. First of all, I don't know why it's so important to them. If Christmas is as non-religious as they say, what do they care if I'm there or not? And why do they have to phrase it that way at all? It seems so insensitive. And worse, no matter what I say, if they phrase it like that I will be the awful person who rejected them for religion, fulfilling the fanatic role. But that's how it will go, and I am still not sure what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it.

Good times, good times.

Ouch!

2004-11-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

So a man walked into a bar...ouch! Probably the worst joke ever, right? But a woman who walks into her own weaknesses...yeah, the punchline's still ouch.

I know that my most valued possession is time. It's the one limited thing we only have so much of. On the one hand, I value my time highly because of that. On the other hand, if I feel like my time is being wasted, I can't take it. I used to leave meetings if I felt they were a waste of my time.

All this as a set-up to my internal temper tantrum this morning. My chevruta wanted to have an extra meeting this week, so I said sure. Thursday is really my day to do a lot of work, catch up on reading, stuff like that. Since I have a presentation on Monday I was busy, but I went down to the beit midrash to meet her at 11am. At 11:10 I check my phone because she's still not there and there's a message. I call her, and it seems she had a doctor's appointment and she's just leaving. She's really sorry, blah blah blah. She was totally sincere, but I was so pissed that I had sat and waited for 10 minutes that I told her I had too much to do and I couldn't learn with her.

What was my damage? At least I know myself well enough to know that my anger at that point would make learning both unenjoyable and unproductive. But why can't I get over things like that? It really should not have been a problem. And honestly, after a few minutes, I wasn't really angry anymore. But I think I needed that space alone in order to process through my frustration. If I was with her and pretending not to be upset, that would have been way worse, and I would have been mad way longer. Just something interesting to be aware of...

Here, there, and everywhere

2004-11-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

This morning, soon after stepping out of the shower, we had a fire drill. I had to run and clothe myself and then run outside, and it was all a drill. I was a little miffed. Talmud class right afterwards was annoying; everyone had to answer every question out loud, no matter who the question was addressed to or whether they knew the right answer or not. Then this afternoon I went with the first year rabbinical class to a funeral home to learn about tahara and other funeral practices. After that, me and four male 24 year old rabbis-to-be went for happy hour at a nearby bar. After that, I went to Drisha to learn halacha. It's been a little all over the place today.

I started making plans for Thanksgiving today, canceling usual Wednesday evening and Thursday appointments, planning which train to take home, figuring out where to buy turkey and how best to prepare it to bring it to the cousins'. I can't believe it's here already. I'm very apprehensive about the Christmas onslaught that has slowly begun but will break forth after next weekend. I haven't had a Christmas, or even acknowledged Christmas, for three years and honestly I don't want to. I don't want to see it, hear it, be bombarded by it all over the place. But I will have no choice. The question is, how will I handle it? And how will I handle my family on Christmas? I'll answer that after I handle Thanksgiving.

Nu? What do I do now?

2004-11-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

So there is a listserv for rabbinical students, and a few weeks ago a fellow student wrote a really nasty e-mail against the Orthodox. I was really annoyed and frustrated by it, but did nothing. This past week, another student answered that e-mail telling the first guy to chill out. I was thrilled and so glad someone said something. So then the first guy sends another e-mail, telling him to chill out. In general, the whole thing was not the nicest, and I became infuriated all over again. Just sitting by did not alleviate it for me, so I decided to try a different tack and reponded myself. Here's what I wrote:

Hevre,

Both Dan and Pete have brought up this issue in their letters, and I would like to bring it to the forefront of this conversation.

Whatever happened to Klal Yisrael?

As a first year student, I have only been at JTS for a few months, but I have been surprised by the abundance of statements, in class and out, slamming other Jews. Whether they are Reform, Reconstructionist, Orthodox or other members of the seminary, if they voiced an opinion that was contrary to the speaker, words like "ridiculous," "offensive," and "disgusting" immediately were applied. All of these words have a heaviness to them and often are used without much forethought to the consequences.

My point is that every Jew, no matter where they are coming from, adds to the richness and depth of Judaism. Even if we disagree, if we practice in different ways, if we approach God in opposing ways, we should respect each other as people and as Jews. I have yet to meet a Jew that I can't learn from.

So my question is: whatever happened to Klal Yisrael? Is this a value of ours? If it is, how can we support it within these walls?

Shavua Tov, Hodesh Tov,
Kate

So after that I was feeling pretty damn good about myself, that maybe I had shed some light on people's disrespect towards others that has been bothering me since I got here. But alas, within hours, someone had written that we should not worry about Klal Yisrael because the Conservative Movement worried about it too much and it was ruining us, so really we should just focus on ourselves.

I understand that point, and I agree that the Conservative Movement should worry about itself and focus energy on making itself strong and actually represent something. My problem is twofold: 1. because my letter really questioned a prevalent behavior, people wanted to excuse it and rationalize it quickly to minimize discomfort, but without really addressing the issue; and 2. it is completely possible, and I think necessary, to be positive about oneself and at the same time understand and respect differing opinions.

So here I am again, frustrated by my classmates and their negative approach towards EVERYTHING, and my question is: how do I deal with this frustration? Should I just disengage from them? Should I keep up the good fight? Should I change my attitudes and expectations when it comes to my classmates, and find a different way of interacting with them? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside

2004-11-11T13:47:00.000-05:00

OK, it's 10 weeks into my rabbinical school career, and I have decided that this was the right thing for me to do. 10 weeks is a relatively short time for me to be set about what I'm doing, so this is a new experience for me.

2 things happened to make this possible. My friend Jen and I were at a similar point about a year ago. We both wanted to be traditional rabbis. I opted for JTS, she opted to learn at a women's institute that had a possibility of giving her smicha at the end of its 3 year program. Jen spoke this week to the head of that institute who said he would not give women smicha. Then she spoke to a rabbi from Israel who was in town and who had spoken about giving women smicha. He said he would like to, but right now his hands are politically tied, and maybe she should be in touch with him for the future. Strike 2. So here Jen is, trying to figure out what to do with her life now that her dream has been deemed unreachable. I, on the other hand, even with all the frustrations, will be a rabbi in 5 years. It's not that I am happy that she is having trouble, not at all. On the contrary, I am really quite upset for her. But I know that I do not have the strength that she will need to make her dream come true.

I also spoke to one of the deans here about my frustrations. She did exactly what I needed her to: she listened, she validated my experience, she gave me permission to struggle and to learn, and she encouraged me to share my voice. All in half an hour. It was fantastic. It doesn't really change anything, but I feel way better. I asked her for an attitude adjustment, and she gave it to me.

Not bad for one day. Let's see how the next days go.

A Conservative Rabbi? At JTS?

2004-11-10T23:27:00.000-05:00

My favorite rabbi at JTS finally convinced me that he was Conservative. I was fighting it, ignoring the small hints--like the fact that he is the rabbi in residence of the rabbinical school--but he put me over the edge.

We were studying the shulhan arukh about confession before death today. We read the whole chapter (not so long) and learned what one is supposed to say before they die in order to confess. I learned about this stuff with Zvi Wolff and it always struck me as very moving. In fact, Zvi made us memorize the 6 word formula that you are supposed to help someone say.

So this rabbi in class said that the words that were written didn't speak to him. OK, I hear that. He said that there are two ways to read the shulhan arukh: a superficial way and a deep way. The superficial way is just to do what the text says. The other is to delve deeper and understand the thoughts behind it. With confession, it's about the regrets someone dying may have and resolving them. I can buy all of that.

Unfortunately, when he said reading the text the superficial way, he meant actually following the halacha. The deep (ie proper) way to read it is to understand the thinking behind it, but not necessarily do it the way our tradition tells us. And that is when, in my eyes, he became Conservative.

So my question is: why isn't it possible to do both? Why can't we understand the reasoning AND act according to the halacha? Are they mutually exclusive? I don't think so. And yet we always seem to prefer one to the other. I myself tend to be more of a doer, but I really do see the value in exploring underlying issues and social realities. But to dismiss the halacha for what we think the meaning is seems to me to be dismissive.

This is the whole reason why I say that you shouldn't look for meaning to the halacha, because then you'll find a different way to approach the same issue and will do that instead. Was it the Ramban who said that? I think talking about that stiff can be helpful, as long as it is secondary to the performance of the mitzvot.

I wonder how I will react to this entry 4 1/2 years from now...

An interesting day

2004-11-09T01:03:00.000-05:00

So I am still writing this *bleeping* paper, and I am way far behind, thank goodness. It's due at 15:40, which gives me 15 more hours to finish this puppy up. But I wanted to take a minute write about two interesting things that happened today.

In my seminar class I had to give a dvar torah. I really like writing and giving them, but the class was there to critique it so I was kinda nervous. But it went well; no one except the teacher could mention any of my content, but it seems they like my style, my "infectious" yet "not too much" passion for Judaism. The teacher disagreed with my content, and I asked him to talk about it because I was interested. Afterwards he apologized if he offended me. For disagreeing with me. If I got offended every time someone disagreed with me, woo, I'd be a walking member of the MRC at Oberlin.

The second thing was also interesting, but in a different way. It seems that my father's doctor wrote up his kidney disease in a case study. I only found this out recently. I googled the doctor and found an article that could have been the one, then asked for it from interlibrary loan. I got the article today, and without ever mentioning his name, it was for sure my dad. It was fascinating to read it, to learn things about my father I never knew before, but a little frustrating that I can't ask him questions about it.

Some great parts (remember this is a case study in a medical journal):

"The patient's disease was first detected in 1968 at age 21 during his evaluation for the Navy..." Who knew about the Navy? I knew he couldn't go into the army because of it, but I didn't know they found it.

"Family history revealed hypertensive cardiovascular disease no both sides of his family and a paternal uncle with adult-onset diabetes mellitus." Who knew about the family medical history? Not me. And Uncle Howie had diabetes? Weird.

"During the summers he had worked as a camp counselor, mailman, waiter, and as a sorter in the sample room of a battery factory." Who knew about the summer jobs? Some of them I knew about, but the battery factory? And what a random sentence to have in a case study, but fascinating for me.

"The patient married, and in 1981 a son was born." HELLO!? What about the amazing daughter who was born in 1978? Granted, there is not a follow up paragraph about me also having the disease the way there is for Josh, but still.

I don't know if you found that at all interesting but I am so glad to have it. I also cried in the library when I was reading it. It's really strange to learn something new about Dad now, after so long and after everyone stopped talking about him. I'm going to bring the article home for my sister at Thanksgiving, and Josh has already read it. Maybe Dad will be a topic at the table again after all.

Frustration

2004-11-08T01:05:00.000-05:00

So I am writing my first academic paper in 6 years and it bites! This is SO not going well. I was never good at writing analytical papers in the first place. I really hope I don't bomb this. Amy gave me good advice this weekend, which was that nobody in grad school cares about grades, so I should just try to get by with as little work (and worry) as possible. Have you ever asked your rabbi about the grades they got in school? Me neither.

But this weekend was amazing. I had a really good time. It was very grounding, to be back in familiar surroundings, and there wasn't so much awkwardness. Maybe that's because I know I've changed a bunch and I wasn't expecting the relationships I left to be the same at all. I told Devorah that it wasn't like I was returning to Oberlin; it was like I was visiting. There is a difference, at least to me. I really didn't expect anyone to remember me, and the fact that some of them did, and some of those even fondly, was really nice. I led services full out for the first time, and besides being so nervous I was shaking, it went pretty well. It was a little frustrating not to get constructive feedback; a few people said good job, but because I am so new at this I really wanted advice on how to make it better. Maybe next time.

And until then, please send me good vibes on doing well on this paper. It's about biblical criticism, no less. Just remember, Kessel, you only need to pass. The days of being an overachiever are over for you...

Field trip!

2004-11-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I am going back to Oberlin tomorrow morning. I am so excited and so nervous. It will be great to see Shimon and Amy, and special surprise--Devorah's in town, which is freaking fantastic. But I'll barely know any students. And I'll, alas, know the administration. We'll see. There's always that weird tension going back to somewhere you used to call home. One one hand, it will be exactly the same, and on the other hand, it will be completely different. I have a lot of work to do while I am there, so hopefully I'll be able to get it all done. My first official collegiate paper is due on Tuesday, and I am really scared. I haven't written an academic paper in well over five years, and even then I wasn't so good at it. New experiences, new chances to learn...positive, positive thinking.

I guess I could be a little more vain

2004-11-02T13:11:00.000-05:00

Last week I went shopping at Old Navy, and when I didn't find a shirt I liked I went to oldnavy.com and order it, along with a few other things. 2 bouts of shopping in one day is a heck of a lot for me, seeing as I never go shopping. The oldnavy.com package just arrived, and I love everything in it! I am really surprised by my reaction to these items. I am brimming with joy right now.

Yesterday I got my hair cut, and again I was ecstatic afterwards. Granted I hadn't gotten my hair cut since Chanukah, so it was needed, but still. I feel silly and embarassed at having such strong reactions to doing things attached with how I look. To do three things in less than a week, all for the sake of how I look, seems strange. I should be learning Torah, not debating hair products with a stylist!

Never before have I been so in tune with my appearance. I was always consciously focused on my neshama, and now suddenly I am being drawn to my nefesh in a strong way. Part of me is really happy to be getting in tune with this part of myself, and the other part is ashamed at focusing on these lesser, physical pleasures. It's an intersting tension to be sitting in. I think this is an effect of time and my growing up. I think also as my body is changing, it's new and exciting to get in touch with it and to learn how to live in this new physical space.

And if you've refrained from masturbation jokes until this point, you get 5 bonus karma points.

Who says it's MarCheshvan?

2004-11-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

With Halloween and Election Day this week, there have been holidays out the wazoo. I voted last week and sent my absentee ballot to Ohio. It was very exciting, and downright fun, truth be told. The ballot came with a styrofoam backing so you don't scuff the furniture when you punch holes, and it came with a special voting tool: a piece of metal wire to use to poke the holes. Seriously, it was good clean fun.

Someone asked me who I voted for, and I declined to answer. She was pretty peeved, but much like in Israel, I think I won't talk about politics here. First of all, people only get upset. Secondly, I have found among my classmates a real insensitivity to others and their beliefs, especially if they are contrary to their own. People say awful things about both candidates, because they assume everyone is voting just like them. If I refuse to say who I voted for, people need to be much more careful with their language because they may be offending me, and that is nothing but a good thing. If only everyone were more careful with their choice of words...

Wink wink, nudge nudge

2004-10-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

So this has been the week of winks. Not in a cute-guy kind of way, alas.

My Hebrew teacher often winks at me in class. I think it's because she knows that I know more Hebrew than the rest of the class and wants to reward me for my patience when some of them read very, I mean very, slowly. Sometimes it's because I can bring something up I learned in ulpan or in Israel, and then there's a kind of comradery. And since I am totally wishing she was my best friend, it's really nice.

But a new twist: my biblical criticism teacher winked at me this week. Now I feel I must analyze what it is about me that causes teachers to wink at me. The wink is symbolic of a secret connection, but what is it that I do that fosters that?

The biblical criticism teacher winked after she made a comment to a student in the class saying, essentially, that he was too big for his britches and the age of arrogance should be destroyed. Of course, I totally agree with her, but how could she know that and wink at me?

I think it may be an eye contact thing. In order to pay attention in class, I need to really focus and that includes eye contact. Also, because sometimes I have trouble hearing, I need to watch the teacher's lips in order to be able to focus. If you kindly remember an earlier entry on this blog, I documented the rudeness of my class in not looking or paying attention to the teacher. Maybe because I have good eye contact the teacher tends to look at me more.

Teachers are also people, and I tend to want to support them when they are talking. So since I am really focusing I also tend to nod and make facial gestures to encourage them. Wow, that is really strange. Do I do that with everyone? I figure, because goodness knows I wouldn't only do that with teachers if I didn't do it with everyone else first. I wonder if that's jarring for people, my active listening skills, and I wonder if it's jarring for teachers. Oh my goodness, this whole new self-awareness.

If any of you have any comments about how I listen, especially with eye contact and facial gestures, please let me know. I'm kind of weirded out by this now.

Another one bites the dust

2004-10-27T00:18:00.000-04:00

So I realize I am a little more fortified than others, but must they crumble so quickly?

After arriving early to my biblical criticism class, I spoke to the other first year who was sitting next to me. He was describing writing a drash for the services he is leading this weekend. He was having difficulty because he was trying to draw a connection between two words in the parsha and extract meaning from that. Then he realized the readon the words were that way is because of how the redactor edited the Torah and how the individual authors wrote their stories. It's hard to write a drash, he said, when the other answer is so obvious. He added, I feel like I am being intellectually dishonest writing this drash.

I tried to explain to him about my views of Truth, how there are different awys to be honest to different truths. He may not be speaking about historical Truth, but about emotional or spiritual Truth, which is just as valid and valued and deserving of honesty. He didn't buy it.

So this class that I grin and bear has taken another victim who now is having trouble finding meaning in the Torah, which is the entire purpose of our central text anyway. Is this really how we want to train our rabbis?

The normalization process

2004-10-26T08:42:00.000-04:00

When I first learned about "normalization," it was this awful thing that happened to the people of the Czech Republic after the Russian army invaded in 1969. It was so terrible, in fact, that it prompted a young man name Jan Palach to self-immolate in Wenceslas Square. He has since become a national hero for his act and the square in front of the Philosophical Faculty of Charles University has been renamed after him.

My normalization process is certainly underway, and hopefully no one I know will set themselves on fire because of this. I realized I was for sure on the way for a few things that happened recently.

1. I co-lead a class with a Pardes alum, actually. Yoni and I have very different approaches to what should happen and how we should proceed. I was able to compromise with him and able to let certain things I wanted to see go. Only when I am feeling OK with myself can I do either of these things with ease.

2. I made a date with Ilene to go shopping on Wednesday, after we learn. Shopping is something I usually do alone, if at all. The fact that I wanted her there showed me that I am feeling social and wanting to share experiences with others.

3. I am ditching class early tonight to see Hadag Nahash in concert with Sarah Margles. I am stoked. I've only been "out" in any kind of socially respectable way a couple of times since I've been here, so it's great to go out and do something fun, especially with someone who will enjoy it as much, if not more, than me. And leaving class early! It reminds me of my attitude towards Pardes, which means I am beginning not to take myself and classes too seriously.

I am right now listening to the Hadag Nahash CD that I got right before I left Israel, with Bamba all over it. I wonder if any of the songs have been popular, if I would know any of them better had I been living in Israel until now. Whatever. I am enjoying them here and now.

Rabbis Without Borders

2004-10-20T22:48:00.000-04:00

I had lunch today with another rabbinical school student today. I met him during orientation and hadn't really seen him since Rosh Hashanah. It was pretty clear from our conversation that he is struggling with depression.

Now it's not like I haven't encountered depressed people before. And it's not like I haven't been a depressed person before. But usually they fall into three categories:
1. People I care about, which then means I can step in and try to help, try to listen, and usually they are receptive to that help;
2. People I am paid to care about, like when I was working for Hillel or even in positions of communal leadership, and there I can take certain liberties with intimacy because of my position;
3. People I don't care about, and then I usually leave them alone and let people who care about them deal with their issues.

So here we have a new case: 4. People I kind of like so far but don't really know well at all, so I want to help but am not sure our new relationship warrants that. because we will be at least colleagues for the next five years, I am afraid of stepping over boundaries recklessly and alienating him. He's not in danger; he is not going to harm himself or anyone else. He is debating taking anti-depressants and I gently supported that decision.

But he's a really nice person and if I had my druthers we will, in time, be really good friends. However, we're not in that place yet. How can I help him? Oh, but maybe it's not my place to help him. But then, how can I develop a friendship with someone who is depressed nto able to be all there? For right now I think I'm going to keep the majority of my concern to myself and try to be there in case he'd like to cross that border.

On the appreciation of time

2004-10-20T01:55:00.000-04:00

I just have to say one of the most amazing things I have learned at JTS is how to appreciate time. My time these days is divided into blocks, but each chunk of my day I appreciate. I am glad to have time to be in class. I am glad to have time to sit and study. I am glad to have time to walk around and do errands. I am glad to have time to cook and eat my own meals. I am glad to have time to talk to people, either over coffee or on the phone. Each activity feels like a little adventure, an event in and of itself, and I appreciate that all of them are part of my day.

This probably doesn't make much sense, but living at the Merkaz and learning at Pardes, I felt very compartmentalized into those two worlds. Even thought I am only at JTS, each thing I do has its own character in my head. Maybe it's really being able to do these things on my own. At Pardes and at the Merkaz I was always with the same people doing the same things. I can do different things here with different people, or even by myself and there's a certain freshness and freedom to that. Going to the supermarket is not necessarily exciting, but going to the supermarket for the first time is.

Chevruta dynamics

2004-10-19T02:57:00.000-04:00

I have a chevruta who doesn't like me. It's not that he doesn't like me, he may like me fine, but he doesn't really like me. He makes no effort to say hi, even if we're in the same room. I brought up something he had said the other day and he shrugged it off.

He's a really nice guy, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with him not wanting to be my best friend. This is just the first chevruta I've had where we haven't become friends, or at least we've tried to be friendly. Many of my chevrutot came about because we were friends and we wanted to learn together. But many were people I just met and we became friends as we learned. I think this is a natural progression, but this new chevruta of mine is just uninterested.

It was a little alarming when I realized that, and I'm still not sure why. The learning is good. I have a good time when we learn together (I can't speak for him). We laugh, we discuss, we delve. But there's not that level of connection where the text sparks some other part of you that you feel compelled to share in order to bring your chevruta to the same page you are on.

I realize this may sound confusing so here's an example: when learning the mishnah of Megillah, there was one about not cutting through a destroyed beit knesset. This lead to a discussion of inherently holy space versus space we make holy. Then I felt obligated to share with my chevruta the difficulty I have with inherently holy space and that fact that I hadn't been to the kotel in a year even though it was less than a half hour walk from my home. I needed to say that to be honest about where I was and how I was understanding our learning. That level for me is as important as understanding the pshat.

And my new chevruta doesn't want to engage the text or me on that level. I will just have to keep my other thoughts to myself. Or maybe I'll try springing them on him slowly, and see how he reacts. A social psychology experiment in the making!

On missing my families in Israel

2004-10-18T02:42:00.000-04:00

I got a wonderful phone message from my friend Rivkah whose oldest is having his bar mitzvah this weekend. She said she wished I was there because I was like a part of the family and she'd love for me to come. Alas, she lives a good few thousand miles east of here. I got so sad thinking about how he had been practicing for years to get ready and how much I would love to be there.

And that got me thinking about another e-mail from Ayala who mentioned how I was always welcome in their home, and how she had talked to Nomi who also said I was always welcome in her home. I realized how many families I had made myself a part of when I was in Israel, and I miss them all incredibly.

The mother of one of these families is making a trip to New York this week and I'll get a chance to see her on Friday. I can't wait. I've been missing the life I built for myself in Jerusalem, and the families I considered my own, and the friends I considered my family, and I feel so lonely here not being in touch with all of them. Not that we don't talk occasionally on the phone or e-mail, but it's for sure not the same.

If life is about creating connections and being happy, why am I not with the people I consider my people? Why am I here trying to start all over in a community that could care less whether I was here or not, when I have an amazing community somewhere else? The mature answer to these questions would be that it takes time, that I can build that same type of support system here as I did in Israel.

It doesn't change the fact that I miss everyone terribly...

What was today like?

2004-10-14T02:36:00.000-04:00

Let me think...Rachel and Ezra, friends from Jerusalem, were in town and I got to see them. I had my first chevruta at Drisha, a women's learning institute, with Jen which was fabu even though I was way out of it. I got a great e-mail from my friend Vered; getting e-mail always makes me happy. Though not as happy as phone calls.

I paid a shiva call today. The rabbi in residence here is my seminar leader, and his father passed away. The kids in my seminar are all going tomorrow, but I couldn't because of class, and the folks I talked to outside of our seminar weren't going. So I went by myself. The apartment was in the east village, where I don't think I'd ever been before, let alone by myself at night.

Shiva calls are one of those duty things that I really like about Judaism. They are hard for everyone; people visiting feel awkward and the mourners feel the need to entertain. At the same time, there's this comforting sense of community and being able to sit with your sadness.

I worried about what to bring (bought round parve honey cookies with hechsher), practiced in my head what I was going to say, how long I was going to stay. I also had to remind myself this is his mourning space, not mine. I want to share people's mourning with them because I have been there and my sadness returns. Because I am self-conscious about keeping myself and my sadness at bay I feel totally weird and sure I'm doing everything wrong.

He was on the phone when I came in, so I just sat. He came in after a few minutes and sat across the room. He gave me a nod, and I just nodded back. I chatted with his sister-in-law sitting next to me. After about 20 or 30 minutes (I though it would be rude to look at my watch, so this is my guess) I got up to go. He asked me to sit with him for a bit before I left. He asked me how I was doing, how my experience at JTS was. I couldn't figure out if this was him needing to engage me because I had been quiet in the room, him wanting to pay attention to the needs of someone else for a while, or him finally addressing my difficulties he had noticed in seminar. Who knows. As I got up again to go, he made a move to stand up which I didn't recognize until too late and instead I squeezed his hand. You have to end with an awkward move, right?

Through the weirdness there is something really beautiful about how we as Jews treat the mourning process. I really regret that I never did anything like this for my dad. Not that it was my choice, but I think it would have lessened some of the issues I had later on. I hope it is a healthy and helpful process for him.

On being a quitter

2004-10-13T03:39:00.000-04:00

I think part of my response to the world is to quit. If things are too hard, quit. If I think I can't succeed, quit before I have the chance to fail. In a flight or fight situation, most would think I fight, but in fact I flight.

I was proud of myself that the first conversation I had about quitting JTS was three days in. That may not seem like a long time, but after three full days of adversity, I was thrilled that I had fought that long before letting my natural inclination take over.

Today was a quitting day. There are many things I am trying to get over or learn to work with, but when I look at my "colleagues" and their behavior at times, I can't imagine sharing the next five years of my life with them. I don't want to turn this into a complaining session about them, but I wonder why they are here, what they want to get out of this process of rabbinical school, and I thank goodness we are just at the beginning, with lots of room to grow.

A part of wanting to quit was many little things today not going well, or not going to plan. My sister left after a great visit, which started the whole day off. I forgot to return a video I took out. I (with the majority of my class) busted on a pop quiz which the teacher decided to make 20% of our final grade. I get very overwhelmed by these little things and have trouble keeping perspective. Being a little tired doesn't help much either.

Tomorrow will be another day...

How interesting...

2004-10-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

So I just checked on this page and found a comment. I thought no one had this address. Interesting. And a friend wrote an e-mail telling me I should write more. Again, I thought no noe had this address. Interesting. So we have changed our format, ladies and gents, and I will be more descriptive about my everyday life.

The chagim were great for me this year, very informative. For Rosh Hashanah and the three day beginning of Sukkot (yes, after all that work I am back to TWO WHOLE DAYS for chagim) I was in Philadelphia with Rachel and Morris. They attend Mikveh Israel, a Spanish Portuguese shul, which is very friendly community and very interesting for a little Ashkenazi chick like me. I love spending time there and was feeling very much a part of their community, and then I remembered that I don't live in Philadelphia. I decided to spend the end of Sukkot here in New York and hosted a bunch of meals to try and solidify friendships and connections here. It was great. I got to see a bunch of folks I haven't seen since Israel, and also got to see JTS kids in a non-class setting. I think I may finally be getting settled.

Yom Kippur was solid for me this year. I was in CT, at the shul within walking distance of my mom's house. I was the only one all in white, the only one in flip-flops, the only one (except for the rabbi) who actually got on her knees during mussaf, but that was OK. I think one of the lessons I will learn this year is how to maintain my own practice and sense of myself, while at the same time living surrounded by people with different practices and opinions. It's not that this situation has never happened before, but I need to figure out better ways to navigate that tension. Any suggestions are welcome.

On officially becoming an old woman

2004-09-22T22:05:00.000-04:00

Today our seminar class spoke about halacha and what it means to us. Now imagine 12 rabbinical students sitting around an oval table with our seminar leader, who happens to be the rabbi in residence of the rabbinical school. Now imagine only three of us actually looking at him and actively listening. Though they are less than three feet away, people are practically lying in their chairs, staring at the ceiling, someone trying to work his laptop, fixing his watch, falling asleep in his chair. I got really angry at how disrespectful my class was behaving. Was it a gender thing (the three of us listening were all women--or maybe I just couldn't see them slacking because they were behind me, but I checked so I don't think it was that)? How could they not force themselves to be attentive to a speaker who was so close and staring right at them? Maybe the topic bored them. How can I be in a rabbinical program with people who don't care about halacha?!?!? What are they in this for. And again I question my path...

I hope this doesn't come to bite me in the ...

2004-09-19T19:17:00.000-04:00

So I have never written one of these before, and I have been a sheer failure as a journaler, but I thought it might be an interesting new year's experiment to try writing every day. If it's online, either everyone can see it or no one will, and there's something mysterious about that.